Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Emotionally, I'm doing OK too. I don't dwell on the actual embryo. It's the calendar that gets me. We had planned to take trip to TN in the spring since we wouldn't be able to in the summer- but that's not the case now. I was going to miss a work conference at a swank resort in San Diego because I would be 36 wks pregnant, but now I can go. I don't need to take Dec 27 off work for my prenatal exam. I don't need to get an NT scan scheduled for the first week of January. It's those little things that sting a bit.
When I first found out I was pregnant I was more shocked than happy. I was nervous about the financial logisitics of two babies in daycare. I worried about how Caroline would deal with having to share me. Of course it didn't take long until I was excited about our new addition and now that it's gone I know more than ever that I want one more.
That changes the TTC picture. I was laid back about it. If we had a second one, great! If not, oh well we have our sweet Caroline. Now it's not, "oh well," if we don't. We mentally made ourselves a family of 5 and now we can't go back to being a family of 4.
The first time we TTC, I was crazy and obsessed. You know what I mean. Any woman who has actively tried for a baby for any length of time knows all about it. My particular flavor involved, temping, a fertility monitor with OPK back up. Yeah, I was that crazy. I also kept a full arsenal of HPTs on hand for testing early and often. I studied my charts, thinking that if I could just look long enough I would see a clue that I was pregnant or see what I was doing wrong.
PSA: No amount of chart staring will change whether your pregnancy status. You can change your temps all you want but you are either pregnant or you're not.
I don't know if I'll get quite as obsessed this time but I just ordered a supply of OPKs and HPTs.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
On Tuesday, I started miscarrying. I'm OK. I was only 6 weeks along so physically it really hasn't been any worse than a period. Emotionally, I'm OK too. While I'm disappointed that there won't be a baby in July and I grieve a little for that vision of the future. I'm not one to consider the embryo (if there was even one, could have been a blighted ovum), a baby. So I don't mourn as though it was the death of my child. I understand people who do, and I don't dismiss or diminish their grief at all. But that's not me and there won't be any angel baby badges gracing my message boards.
Nor am I discouraged or worry about the next pregnancy. Had this happened on my first pregnancy I would feel a lot differently but I don't have that fear that I'll never be a mother and that makes trying to conceive number 2 very different that number 1. I don't want to diminish the importance of a second child. I am a second child myself, so they have a special place in my heart, but it just doesn't carry the same angst.
I am sad. I was looking forward to being pregnant again and having a summer baby. But I'm not devastated. We will be trying again as soon as possible and hopefully next time will turn out differently.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about my pregnancy
When was your first OB appointment? My OB's office does the first prenatal appointment at 10 weeks. It seems like the average is somewhere in the 8-10 week range. It is an excruciatingly long wait when you are in the first trimester and wondering what is happening in there.
How often are your OB appointments? Every 4 weeks from weeks 10 to 30.Every 2 weeks from weeks 32 to 36 and then every week.
Does your doctor do anything different because you are AMA (advanced maternal age)? Nope. It never comes up. The only time my Dr mentioned it was when discussing screening testing options. I am on the same appointment schedule as a 26 year old would be. I don't get any more tests or U/S's than anyone else. Simply being over 35 doesn't make the pregnancy high risk.
When did you start getting internals? 36 weeks. I had to take my pants off for the Group B Strep swab so it just makes sense.
When did your baby drop? Around 35 weeks. She was very low the whole time so it wasn't too obvious but I did feel more pressure in my pelvis and my fundal height stopped going up.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Over the course of the next year, the group remained and we all became great friends. True, we had never met in real life but we were definitely friends. We talked to each other about all aspects of our lives, including but not limited to, baby-making. During that time many of the women became pregnant, others did not, others suffered the disappointment of miscarriages. I was one of the lucky ones. Despite the different paths we were all going on, our friendship remained.We eventually took our friendship off the message boards and on to Facebook, so that there would no longer be an aspect of our lives left outside of The Book. While we talk mostly about the rest of our lives, we do still talk about TTC especially with those that are still trying. Because the women have become such good friends, my heart hurts with every failed IVF attempt and every IUI that one can't afford. I would give anything for them to have a child, I know how great it is. I hurt every time they discuss a sister of cousin who is pregnant or the pain of having to sit through a baby shower or any of the other ways that life slaps you around when you are infertile. I would do anything to prevent that pain for them
So how will I tell them that I'm pregnant again?
Friday, October 22, 2010
1 Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't? YES
2 Do you think about food or your weight constantly? YES
3 Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success? YES
4 Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging? NO
5 Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people? ABSOLUTELY
6 Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight? NO, See number 5
7 Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)? YES
8 Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long? NO
9 Do you eat to escape from your feelings? YES
10 Do you eat when you're not hungry? YES
11 Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later? YES (shame)
12 Do you eat in secret? ABSOLUTELY
13 Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake? NO
14 Have you ever stolen other people's food? NO (Thank god, I can at least say no to this)
15 Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?" NO
16 Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight? NO
17 Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten? I have been known to do that.
18 Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten? ALWAYS
19 Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?" NO
20 Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food? SOMETIMES
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be a food addict.
There you have it.
There is no surprise here. I've been spiraling out of control food and weight wise. With most of the other areas of my life going well, it's been easy to push this fact to the back burner. Something that I can deal with when I have time to focus on it. But really? I have time to stuff my face full of pumpkin Pop Tarts, I can't find time to think about why I'm eating garbage in vast quantities?
It's more than food "issues." Food has control over my life. Even when I was thin, I thought about food constantly. If there is a slice of pizza in the room, I can't think of anything else. Is someone gonna eat that? Can I eat it? Will I be judged if I eat it? God, I want that! If I don't get that piece, I'm gonna order a pizza when I get home. Screw that, even if I get that piece, the seed has been planted and I'm gonna order a pizza when I get home. And eat it until I burst.
It's like that. Food is an obsession. I think about it all the time.
I don't really know what I'm going to do about it right now. I know that it's time for me to address my food addiction, rather than just temporarily replacing it with a dieting addiction. Going on a diet won't cure this. I'm so out of control right now that I can't even make it until mid-morning on a diet. I haven't stepped on a scale in months but I have no doubt that I have gained back all that I lost in the spring.
Clearly, my eating is out of control because of all the changes my life has gone through over the last two years. I went from being single, childless and living alone to being a wife, mother and stepmother. I love my new life but it is stressful. I started gaining, after maintaining for 6 years, right after I got married. I don't think that is a coincidence. I feel bad saying that though. I feel like I am betraying my husband and blaming him for my predicament.
I love him and I am happy every single day that I married him, but I don't have the same control over my life that I did before. I can't do whatever, whenever and I think that loss of control is spilling out into other areas.
Right now, I'm just going to be researching Food Addiction and trying to determine my next step. I'm not great at seeking help from others so I doubt I'll be showing up at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting anytime soon. Maybe in the future. I just don't know, right now.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I keep trying to figure out a fixable reason for why I am not succeeding. Breastfeeding, lack of planning, whatever, but the fact is I am stress eater. I am stressed and I don't know how to change that. I'm not stressed out by motherhood but I am stressed out by being a working mother. I just don't have time for anything!
Here's a typical workday.
5:30-7:00- get ready, get Caroline ready, get bottles, her lunch, my lunch, pumping supplies, coffee- ready.
7:00-7:20- playtime with Caroline
7:30- Drop off baby at daycare and start commute.
8:30-9:00- arrive at work sometime in this window. Usually.
Work straight through without lunch break so that I can leave at
4:15- Start commute home.
5:15-5:30- Arrive home
5:30-7:00- Play with baby, feed baby, bathe baby, help with dinner prep, eat dinner as family, put baby to bed.
7:00- 9:00- This is my "free" time. I can: clean, do laundry, exercise, spend time with my husband, watch tv, or one of the other 200 things I need/want to do with the few hours I have a day. Most nights I have to choose cleaning just to keep my house from being condemned.
I want to fit exercise in there but when you combine, exhaustion, a million other need-to-do's and early darkness it just doesn't fit in too often.
Clearly, I need a job closer to home but in this economy, in my field that is a challenge. Especially when I have to fit my job search into those 2 short hours at night.
It's not an excuse. I'm not complaining. It just is. I have never been happier or more exhausted. The stupid irony of it all is that if wasn't so fat, I would probably have the energy to lose weight.
I'm going to keep trying though. I can't give up. Today has been a good day so far and I'll keep going one meal at a time.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
On Saturday we decided to brave the sweltering fall weather and head out for a day of pumpkin picking and other fun fall activities. First we got lost in the corn maze.
Caroline hung tough in the Ergo despite the fact that it was really hot.
Then the boys tried out the pumpkin cannon. Scott was a pretty good shot with that thing.
Caroline and I waited in the wings.
She was busy looking adorable.
I just couldn't resist giving her kisses. I can never resist giving her kisses!
Then it was off to the pumpkin patch to pick a pumpkin for our little pumpkin.
Big brother carried the pumpkin back to the truck.
We were all tired from all the fun and both kids crashed out as soon as we got in the car. Scott and I decided to use that time to go for a nice drive through some of the adorable small towns that populate Maryland. It was a great day!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Most adults I know don't love Christmas. They moan about shopping and money and weight gain, and having to spend time with family and the hassle of it all. So I keep my Christmas love on the down low.
Why am I even talking about Christmas on October 8th. Because I just came back from the mall and it is getting all Christmased up and I started getting excited- as magical as Christmas was for my first 36 years. In year 37, I get to introduce Christmas to my daughter. I can not wait.
If you're wondering, there are 81 shopping days left. You're welcome.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
It's well known that the Grimm brothers didn't do much to advance respect and reverence for stepmothers. Those bastards will forever be on my shit list for coining the "wicked/evil stepmother" phrase. Where's the disdain for the fathers who left their children in the care of these women and who let themselves be controlled so easily? But I digress.
There are several theories as to why fairy tales are filled with evil stepmothers. One is that it is more believable that a stepmother would be trying to off the kids than a mother. Maybe, but most stepmothers I know are just as horrified at the thought of hurting a child as are mothers. I have my own theory as to how fairytale stepmoms got such a bad reputation. These stories are told from the child's side. Did anyone ask Snow White's stepmother for her version of the events? Everyone knows kids are prone to exaggeration (I never knew until just now how to spell exaggeration. Two Gs. Who knew?) and even outright lying. Here's my theory on the origins of some well-known "wicked" stepmothers.
Snow White- In Snow White's version, her stepmother gives her a poison apple to try to kill her. Now, I recall one time when my stepson accused me of trying to kill him because I suggested that he drink water from the tap since we don't keep bottled water around the house. We live in an well-populated suburb of a large America city, not in a third world country or even somewhere with well-water. So the idea that tap water would kill him is a bit of an exaggeration (Two Gs!) don't you think. Is it really a far stretch to believe that Snow White's stepmother told Snow White to go outside and take a break from Facebook and gave her an apple. In all her teenage brattiness, Snow White huffed out and examined the apple which just happened to have a tiny brown spot. Looking for any excuse that she could to hate her stepmother, Snow White declared her horror at the brown spot and that she had been given a POISON apple and chose to stay outside and sulk. The dwarves that took her in? They were actually the quiverful family down the street that simply didn't notice that she wasn't one of theirs.
Cinderella- Poor Cinderella forced by her stepmother to do all the chores around the house while her daughters did nothing. I know this one too. My stepson has two chores when he is at our house, setting the table and making his bed, yet I can't tell you how frequently he bemoans having to do EVERYTHING around here. You see when Cinderella lived alone with her dad, things like eating at a table and basic sanitary conditions went out the window. Men do not see mess, so Cinderella's dad couldn't have told you if Cinderella even had sheets on her bed much less whether or not it was made. And dinner, he just wanted to eat it in front of the TV. Then in comes the horrible stepmother with her family dinners and hygiene requirements and suddenly Cinderella's life of sloth came to an end. And those ugly stepsisters, obviously when they weren't willing to put up with her attitude and complaining about all. those. chores., it was because they were jealous of her beauty. Too bad they didn't write a follow-up to Cinderella after she is married and has kids and then finds out what it really means to have to do everything around here.
Hansel and Gretel- Hansel and Gretel's single dad liked to do whatever kept his kids happy and out of his hair. If that meant playing with dwarf figures (or whatever the old time equivalent to video games would be) and eating junk 19 hours a day, so be it. When his new wife moved in she was appalled at H &G's pasty complexions and rotund figures. So she took it upon herself to make some changes. Some might say she was overstepping, but she really had their best interest at heart and quite frankly the family couldn't afford to keep buying all that junk food after the snack tax was instated. First she started making them eat vegetables, which really pissed H&G off. They were used to getting their way all the time with their dad. So they were none too amused when one sunny day, their stepmom had their dad make them go outside and not come back....for at least an hour. In desperate need of a candy fix, H&G went off to steal some candy from the old lady down the road, home invasion style. The joke was on them when the old lady turned the tables on them. By the time their dad found them, they had revised their story so that "they had been deserted and the old lady had candy on the outside of her house. We thought it was free and then she just went crazy on us."
OK. I got a little off topic in that last one, but those two German brats (ha ha) have always seemed a little shifty to me. And what about the mysterious death of their stepmother? Seems fishy to me.
So remember, next time you hear someone complaining about their evil stepmother, there are two side to every story. And one little brown spot won't kill you.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
It should have been picture of a molcajete overflowing with the most delicious guacamole ever but once I started making it my mind went blank of everything except eating it and didn't clear up again until I had licked the bowl clean. So I forgot to take a picture.
The recipe I use is from Williams and Sonoma. It came with the molcajete, which was a wedding gift. I mean I registered for it but I never would have bought it on my own. I registered for it because a) it looked freakin' cool and I could imagine having it setting out on display in my kitchen and b) the best guacamole I had ever had to that point had been made at my table in a restaurant using one of these things.
I've tried a bunch of different recipes for guacamole since acquiring this gadget but have never come across any that consistently turn out this delicious. I thought I would share so that you might enjoy too. You don't need the giant mortar and pestle but it doesn't hurt.
1 ripe tomato- diced
2 tbsp finely diced white onion
1-2 (depending on taste. I use 1) serano chiles, seeded and finely chopped. Note: You will want to use goves when working with these little f'ers. No matter how many times you wash your hands, the burn stays and god help you if you touch your eyes. I had to be especially careful last night since I knew I could have to tend to a baby at any point)
1/2 tsp sea salt (I use more. Much more)
1 tbsp fresh lime juice (Fresh dammit)
Combine the above items in the molcajete and grind them into a paste. If you don't have one, you can use a blender or if you like things chunky just leave them as is.
Add 2 avocados and cilantro (I use this because when I buy fresh herbs I end up wasting half of them and this is really quite good. )
Mix, mush, stir, pummel whatever to the consistency you desire. I like mine a little on the chunky side but I know a lot of people who like is smooth.
Finally, and this is crucial, serve it with Hint of Lime tortilla chips. You won't be sorry.
Make this for someone you love and they will love you just a little bit more, in return.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Will they really be saying that? I don't know. Maybe. I probably would. We're not all so much better than we were in high school. The real problem is that I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed for me because I hate the way I look and even more embarrassed for my husband that he doesn't get to show off an attractive wife. He says he doesn't care but I do. There's nothing to be done. I can't lose 30 pounds by tomorrow. I'll just have to work with what I got and hope everyone will be sympathetic the fact that I had a baby recently (does 6 months count as recently?)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
12 days into my commitment to do some form of exercise everyday for 30 days, I have missed two days. One day it was raining and I just didn't have the energy to do anything. The other day I might have accidentally fallen asleep at 8:00 right after the baby went down and not have gotten up until the next morning.
Current -15.8 218.2
Just Fat (BMI < 30): 209
Chip, chip, chip
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
So when it came time for yesterday's Weight Watcher's meeting I came very close to skipping it. I didn't want to face the reality of the scale. I hadn't been in several weeks and I was going to die if I went in there and weighed 5 pounds more than I did last time. As usual, the anticipation was worse than reality. I gained 1 pound. It doesn't sound so bad but the sum total for the last month is +1 pound. That's not really very good. I guess it could be worse though. This morning I was actually down a little from where I was last time I checked in.
I'm refocusing now. I cut my points limit since my baby is starting to eat more solid foods. I'm hoping that will give me a little kick start back into things. As usual, I'll be monitoring my milk production closely and upping the calories if it starts to drop.
Jumpstart Goal 10 lbs -224
Current -14 220
Just Fat (BMI < 30): 209
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
When I made the appointment, my regular stylist wasn't available. I was desperate and the time of the appointment was crucial as it had to be when Scott was available to do baby care.So I took who was available and figured that since it is a nice salon, anybody could only improve on the current state of my hair. So imagine my surprise when I hear the stylist call my name and I look up to see a woman straight out of the eighties, complete with a perm and mini-bangs. Oh God, oh God, oh God. What could I do? My southern politeness didn't allow me to do anything but get up and follow her.
We had the standard talk about what I wanted and she began the highlighting process. Now I'm not great at small talk but I do OK when the person I'm talking to is more of a talker. Unfortunately, this girl seemed to have a similar style to me so after a few awkward attempts at conversation we settled into an awkward silence. Honestly, I just didn't have the energy to make a big effort and I secretly love to just sit there and listen to all the conversations around me.
Everything was a normal haircut, she didn't try to talk me into looking like either Anne Wilson or Pat Benatar. All was well until it came time to dry and style. She asked if I wanted it straight or curly and I said it didn't matter since it was humid out and I have a hair-grabbing 5 month old so I was just going to pull it back anyway. I then said that if she wanted to do it curly, I just didn't want a lot of product in it because I don't want it to look stiff and crunchy. Now I don't know if something got lost in translation or she took a personal offense to the "cruchy hair" comment or what but next thing I know, I'm being led to the counter, with head full of wet hair. I didn't even realize what was happening until the cashier told me the cost.
I decided that it was best just to go. If I insulted her, the last thing I wanted to do was let her near my hair again. I left a minimal tip and am left wondering if I need to find a new salon or not.
Friday, June 18, 2010
I need to refocus and push hard for the next 2 weeks and then take a mini-diet break while we vacation in the Motherland (Mom's house in Tennessee). I know, I know, I should try to stick with the plan while vacationing but quite frankly I don't want to. I want to enjoy my vacation and good food is part of that enjoyment. Hopefully upon returning, I can rekindle some motivation.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Which brings me to this picture.
It's a horrible picture. I had no makeup on and took it with a self-timer 3or 4 years ago. I didn't bother to try to look decent in it because I never planned for anyone to see it. I took the picture for one reason; to scrutinize for all of my body flaws. I would stare at it for hours, berating my stomach flab, my thunder thighs and my grandma arms. Yep, that's what I saw when I looked at this picture. I was so confused. I knew that my BMI was about 21 and I wore a size 6 at that time and yet I couldn't figure out why I looked so fat. Do you think I've had some body issues? I know now that I tend to suffer from some body dysmorphic syndrome, not to an extreme but to the point that I don't always see reality in the mirror.
How do I prevent passing that on to my daughter? Is it possible to raise a daughter not to have body issue? What if we become Amish and shun all media?
Anyway, here is my current progress report.
Jumpstart Goal 10 lbs -224
Current -11.4 222.6
Just Fat: 209
Goal 1 has been achieved. Next up is getting my BMI below 30 and no longer being obese. I still can't believe I let myself get to be obese (why? why?) 13.6 lbs to meet that goal. I'm hoping to get there by the end of summer.
Cruel, cruel summer, I'm fat and can't avoid a bathing suit this year because I have to be able to take my daughter swimming. This is one of the greatest sacrifices I am making for my child. I will alert everyone before appearing on the beach so you can avert your eyes lest you be blinded by the vast, reflective white expanse that is my thigh. You've been warned.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I decided to join Weight Watchers to help me with the weight loss. They have meeting right in my building at work so it is convenient and doesn't cause me to take time away from my baby girl. I don't really need them to teach me how to eat or teach me anything about nutrition. This isn't my first time around the weight loss block and I've read and studied everything there is to know about it. It does, however, provide me with some accountability and structure. Both are good things for me, especially right now when life is chaotic and it's easy to lose focus.
I've found that counting points is much more enjoyable than counting calories. I can't say what the difference is though.
A quick summary of my WW journey so far.
Initial weigh-in 4/26 233.6 lbs
Week 1 5/3 230.6
Week 2 5/10 227.8 (got a 5lb star)
Week 3 5/17 227.8
So it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I'm determined though. It won't be a quick fix, but I need to do it for me and my daughter. I hope she never struggles with her weight. It really sucks.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Not terribly thrilling as she was pretty matter of fact the whole food from a spoon thing. Yet, I can't stop watching it over and over because she is so cute. I can't decide if watching videos of her during the day while I'm at work makes things easier or harder. Everytime I see those cheeks, I'm overcome with a desire to kiss them.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
While my weight is huge part of what I hate about my appearance right now, it is not the only thing. Here are few of the things bringing me down, illustrated using photos of how I look right this minute.
My hair: I theoretically have great hair. It is long, thick with body and natural curl. The truth is though, I haven't had a cut or highlights in more than a year. The result of laziness. I hate spending 3 hours (yes, 3 long mother trucking hours) at the salon Unless it is freshly washed the curls look like a rat's nest, a psychotic, mom of 30 little ratlings who doesn't have time to fix up her, rat's nest. However, if I wash it everyday it becomes dry and frizzy and have you seen bride of Frankenstein- yeah, it's like that. Only scarier. The solution is to straighten it . When I flat iron it, it looks great for several days. It's a process that takes about 45 minutes. Have I mentioned that I work full time and have 3 month old? I don't have time for 45 minute hair. As a result, this is what my hair looks like today:
Obviously, the first thing I need to do is get a haircut and some color BUT it takes THREE time I’ll never get back HOURS! I have lot of hair and I’ve been to many salons and never get out in less time. I can’t do it on the weekends because for reasons no one can explain, Baby C will not take a bottle from her father. Why? She takes one from everyone else on the planet except him. So I can’t be gone for more than 3 hours or she will be starving mess. I guess I could do them in separate appointments but what a pain.
My skin: I’ve always struggled with acne but it was kept under control with birth control pills and pregnancy. Well, breastfeeding means I can’t use estrogen based BCP so I’m not really sure what to do about this until I’m done with that part of my life.
My clothes: For most of my 30’s I was a size 10-12. For about 27 minutes in early 2007 I was a size 6. I immediately went out and bought a $350 Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dress and wore it exactly one time. I don’t imagine I will ever wear it again. Anyway, most of my wardrobe consists of nice clothes that do not currently fit me and I refuse to buy clothes in my current size. So today I am sporting maternity jeans (shame, shame, shame) that are falling off because, well, I’m not pregnant. Also, there appears to be a bit of dried spit-up on the sleeve. Are you jealous of my life yet?
My shoes: Shoes require an entirely separate category from clothes. They are their own special kind of fabulous and I have a huge collection. Today, I’m wearing these.
The excess weight makes it hard to wear heels right now, my feet are a little bigger since pregnancy and the main reason I am not wearing something fabulous is that I haven’t had a pedicure since January 3rd. 5 days before my daughter was born. Of course, super cute shoes wouldn’t really go with the maternity jeans and spit-up shirt and I would hate for people to think my appearance is unimportant.
OK, I confess. The clogs are comfortable and the search for the comfortable seems to rule my life right now.
I’ve got a lot of work to do to go from a hot mess to a MILF. It will require me actually putting myself first sometimes, hard enough for any woman much less a new mom. But taking care of myself will help me take better care of my family and set a much better example for my daughter. I don’t want her to think that becoming a mom is the end of your looks.
Let the fun begin.
I'm sorry. I know a lot has changed since the baby came along. As much as I hoped things wouldn't be so different, I am powerless to do anything different right now. I don't, however, want you to think I am unaware of or unbothered by these things. So here is a list of things I am so sorry for.
1. I'm sorry that I can't seem to move the baby out of our room. In theory, I like the idea of her being in her room but I just can't seem to separate myself from her. She is part of me and how can I sleep with part of me in another place. I need to spend that time with her. Even if we are both sleeping it makes up for the time I spend away from her working. I know I come up with a million excuses: it's too hot in her room. she won't stay asleep when I put her in her bed. Those things are true but we both know it's all about me. I promise you though: it is not about not wanting to be intimate with you. I know you worry about that based on your past experience, but I love you more now than I ever have and I do want to be with you.
2. I'm sorry that I am always questioning how much you love our little girl. I don't know why I do it. Logically, I know that you love her as much as you do your son but I can't stop worrying that you don't. I know how much having a boy means to you, so that makes me worry. I see how involved in his life you are in a way that you aren't in Baby C's. I don't know if it is because of the guilt of divorce or because she is a baby or because you trust me to run the show, but it still makes me worry. The truth is I worried about it long before I was even pregnant. We both know that this baby was for me. You would have been perfectly happy to not have another child if that was my wish. You love me though and wanted me to be happy (and oh, I am happy. I am!)
3. I'm sorry that I have gotten fat. I know you don't want to say anything but we both know you aren't blind. We've always had so much fun over food, both overindulging. Unfortunately only one of us has a raging metabolism. I'm sorry that you have to choose between having a thin wife or having a vat of cookie dough in the house. You can't have both.
4. I'm sorry that I haven't been all about the sexy time. It's not you. I swear. I'm tired. I'm fat. I'm breastfeeding, which zaps the libido and oh, yeah see item #1. Nothing kills the mood like looking into your baby's eyes right as you are about to...well, you get the point.
5. I'm sorry that me wishing I could stay home makes you feel like you aren't a good provider. I knew what I was getting into when I married a teacher who was divorced with a kid. But I need to be able to talk about these things without worrying that I am hurting your feelings. So, I'm sorry, but get over it.
6. I'm sorry that I have nothing to give to your son right now. When I'm not working C is my focus. If she is sleeping and I'm not working, you are my focus. I have nothing else to give right now. And let's be honest, his tween-iness is trying and exhausting. I can't deal with it at this point in time. Just know that when he is acting up and I leave the room with C, I am being kind. The alternative in this situation would not be pretty. As things settle, I will try to be a better stepmom. Just know that he has a mom and dad who love him more than anything in the world, just as C does. They just don't happen to all be the same people.
I'm sorry for a lot of things, but I will never be sorry for marrying you. I am trying to make our relationship top priority. I know I don't always succeed, but I love you and I always will.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Oh My God!!!! I am officially obese. If that isn't bad enough, that means I gained 30 pounds of non-baby related weight during my pregnancy. I am horrified. What's even worse is that when I got married 17 months ago, I weighed 175 (I'm 5'10" so I can carry a little more). That is an average of 3 pounds a month that I gained. I am taking up way more than my fair share of space on this planet.
I've known how much I weighed for a while now. I mean all those weigh ins at the doc during pregnancy didn't convince me I was going to have a 45 lb baby. But it didn't really seem like "real" weight. It's water. It'll melt away with breastfeeding. Once you get moving a little bit, it'll start falling off. Well none of those things seem to be true. I've posted before about my lack of success with the breastfeeding weight loss plan.
I have to face facts and do what no woman wants to do...DIET! I can't go for my normal all or nothing method though as I am nursing and need to keep my milk supply, so I am trying to stick to a 2,000 calorie a day plan. Honestly, just being aware of the snacking I was doing to ease the pain of being away from my baby all day is helping. I know that what I really want isn't M&Ms and I let myself just miss her.
Exercise is hard. I don't have much time for it but I'm trying to take C on as many walks as I can and doing a little walk/running on the weekends. I plan to run in a half marathon in October. I'm not new to half-marathons or even whole marathons, before I got married to Mr. C I was in great shape. We got married, lazy and pregnant. The half is 6 months away, I'm not fooling myself into thinking I can be at my fighting weight by then. I am just hoping to be a my pre-pregnancy weight of 199. I'll be slow and in pain but it gives me something to shoot for. Now if I can just find an extra hour everyday to exercise.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Look, I 'm not calling Girl Scouts drug dealers. Not really. But let's say you are a new mom just back at work struggling to fill the void left by not having your child there and guess who is there to ease your pain, to make you feel good even if only temporarily. Why it's your old friend Thin Mint.
It starts out innocently enough, someone brings a box a leaves them out in the kitchen for everyone to "sample." You know it's wrong. You've seen the campaigns, "say No to sugar", but just one couldn't hurt, right? You still waiver but then you get a little peer pressure, "you just had a baby, you deserve it". Oh that's right, my baby! God, I miss her so much it hurts. I just need a little something to take the edge off the pain and oh that chocolate and mint tastes so good, I'm starting to feel better. Ahhhh. Then like any good drug you are hooked, there is no eating just one Thin Mint, it's not long to you have a full blown addiction and the candy man finds you everywhere. There they are at Wal-mart, at the grocery store, oh your co-worker is selling them for their kid, at the daycare, they even set up in the food court at the mall. And even if you try to avoid all these places, they know your weakness and come knocking on your door. Next thing you know your on an episode of Intervention and your loved one s are reading letters about how your Thin Mint problem has ruined their life.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels….except Thin Mints.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
But there are things they don't tell you about breastfeeding. I'm not talking about how hard it is in the beginning (It is. You may know the mechanics but no one gave your baby a lesson in utero.) or cracked nipples (they exist too and they hurt). If you don't know those things beforehand, honestly, you didn't do your homework. Read an article here or there FFS.
I'm talking about this:
It's not really free. Oh, in theory it is, the earth mother brings the child to her breast, cradling him in her arms every single time he wants to eat, but the reality is you need some supplies.
Boppy or other support. Babies get heavy AND your not really going to be gazing into your infants eyes the whole time so it's nice to be able to do it one handed so you can computer, read, channel surf. These run $30-40.
Nipple shields, supplemental feeders whatever you made need some items to get things started, cheap but not free. $10
Breast pump, even if you stay at home surely you can't be there for every single feeding...EVER. Manual $30, Electric $250. I have both.
Bottles, my daughter is picky and we went through several types to find one she would take. To date we have spent about $60 on bottles.
Additional pumping supplies (storage bags, extra parts) - $40
To date (11 weeks) I have spent $410 to feed my daughter for free.
The more disturbing breastfeeding fact that is kept under wraps is: Not Everyone Loses Weight
Most people drop pounds while they are breastfeeding as it requires about 750 extra calories to make breastmilk and about 250 of those come from fat stores. But, hey, guess what. There are some lucky people whose metabolism holds onto extra weight during breastfeeding to ensure the baby can be fed during a famine. Guess who one of those lucky evolutionary jackpot winners is! That's right, me. Call the fucking prize patrol.
I weigh exactly the same as I did one week after giving birth. No more and absolutely no less. I've got my eating under control (sorta), I'm more active (the absence of 50 inches of snow helps there) but my weight is stubborn. It's so frustrating, I feel so fat and frumpy. I was counting on nursing to negate a few of those cupcakes. I knew it wouldn't be a cure all but I never expected this.
I will keep breastfeeding though. I like it. She loves it. Hopefully, we'll get a few less sick days because of it. I just have to wrap my brain around the fact that I probably won't be thinner by summer. Can I accept wearing a bathing suit while fat? Can I buy new clothes in this new size? Isn't it better to look good at the size that I am than to keep wearing maternity clothes waiting to lose weight. Can I say goodbye to the frump and be a BBW for at least a little while? I don't know if I can. It will physically hurt me to spend money on new, bigger clothes but I just can't stand how dumpy I look in my clothes right now. Not to mention the fact that my shoes don't fit (we'll address that in a different post) and that my wedding and engagement rings are too tight. Will accepting my weight help me feel a little more sexy, because right now I cringe when my hubs looks at me and sexy time is a rarity. I know he isn't crazy about the weight either though he would never say so.
Right now I am at a loss as to how to accept fat mommyhood.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Caroline is apparently doing fine. She slept the morning away. I wish I could say the same for me.
Friday, March 19, 2010
The first week she will be kept by my mother, who is coming in from Tennessee for the sole purpose of watching her. So while I know she is with someone who loves with all her heart I am still filled with worry. Will she refuse to eat (she is lukewarm towards the bottle)? Will she miss me so much and be so sad? Will she feel like I have abandoned her? Will I be able to function when my heart is 36 miles away from me during the day.
Still there is really no other option. I have to work. We have bills and plans. A family of four (including stepson) just can't live in this area on a teacher's salary alone. So we are buying our lottery tickets, right now it is my only hope but I'm not counting on it.
I have to find a job closer to home. The commute sucked before (1 hour each way on a good day) but now that is time I could spend receiving baby smiles, listening to baby talk, snuggling...breathing.
They say it gets easier each day. I'm counting on that.
Friday, March 5, 2010
I’d like to talk about a weighty issue…ba dum dum, my big, fat, ass. This is the one area where mommyhood has kicked my aforementioned ass. I have dropped 20 lbs of my baby weight. Too bad I gained 40.
I can’t blame the situation entirely on pregnancy as I had gained too much weight before I even got pregnant.
February 2007- meet my future husband and get a new job- days at the gym go by the wayside, but we are still running a lot so the weight is slow at creeping on.
April 2009- Ummm, we go on a cruise and thanks to the gluttony and laziness of married life I am 20 lbs heavier than I was on my wedding day. Oh and guess what, you’re pregnant.
Summer 2009- 1st trimester tiredness kicks my butt and exercise is a thing of the past- this will continue for the entire pregnancy.
January 2010- I enter the hospital at an astronomical weight and come home six days later at the same weight, despite having had a 9 lb baby removed from my body. I guess that’s what 5 days of IV’s do for you. A week later I had dropped 20 lbs and that is where we are today, despite exclusively breastfeeding.
Sooooo, instead of being a MILF, I am a fat, frumpy mom who is today wearing the largest pair of jeans I’ve ever owned. But the snow is clearing and Caroline and I are going for lots of walks. I’m trying to get some other exercise in when I can, though that is rare. AND..I am giving up cheese for a month. Yeah, cheese. I think based on my current diet that will save me about 6 million calories a week.
My husband has a high school reunion this summer. I need to be looking a lot hotter.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Up until January 8th of this year, I was just Laura. I had many roles: wife, daughter, stepmom, employee, etc., but my name was, Laura. On my husband's and Elvis's birthday, after 4 days of attempted labor induction and one c-section, that all changed and I took on a new name, Mommy. My daughter, Caroline, came into the world and everything that I was became secondary to what I was now. I was now a mother, that most revered role, the embodiment of femininity and all that jazz. I loved my baby instantly but I also felt an instant panic (well, after all those fantastic pain medications wore off) and realized that my life would absolutely never be the same. Oh, of course, I knew that would be the case beforehand but reality really hit home right then. No more spontaneity, no more naps, long baths, full night’s sleep, whenever sex- it wasn't the responsibility of this new life that terrified me, it was the loss of the life I knew.
I made a vow then that I would try to remain Laura while becoming Mommy. I want to prioritize my relationship with my husband. I want to maintain (regain) my appearance. I want to advance my career. I want to hang out with my girlfriends (who luckily almost all have young babies, so not too much of a challenge). I want to do all of that but I also want to be a mommy. I want to talk about my baby…a LOT. I want to spend evenings cuddling with her. I want to plaster my office with her picture and do everything in my power to make her life the best that it can be. One way to do that is by setting a good example for her. What kind of role model am I if I lose myself when I would never want that for her.
Of course to indulge my Mommy side, a picture of my sweetie, Caroline Noelle and my first baby, my kitty, Sara.