It's a.......

Leading up to my big ultrasound yesterday I, like many knocked up chicks before me, consulted many old wives tales and even a novelty to help me determine the sex of this baby. I don't do well with not knowing these kinds of things.

I looked at heart rate, chinese gender prediction, whether or not this baby was stealing my beauty, etc.

Then I broke down and shelled out $30 for this in a moment of weakness. I resisted it when I was pregnant with my daughter but I was weaker this time around.

Finally, after counting down the weeks, the days, the hours, the minutes, we finally had our big ultrasound yesterday.

First off, let me say that the baby is PERFECT! That is absolutely the most important. The growth is right on track, there are the right number of parts and everything is where it should be. You never, ever get tired of hearing the doctor say, "Everything looks perfect".

And now for the results

Old wives tales average= 60% in favor of boy.

Intelligender=

Ultrasound says= BOY!!!!!!!! 

Not a money shot. We don't do privates on the internets.

I can't believe it. Even though I thought it was a boy, it was still a shock to hear it. It is so exciting to be going on a whole new adventure this time around. I was prepared for a little girl last time because I used to be a little girl. A boy. OMG. Dirt and noise and craziness. I can't wait to meet him.

Extra good news, now I get to shop because we don't have any clothes for a boy. We don't even have anything gender neutral as far as clothing goes except for some white onesies. I'm greasing up my credit card as we speak.

1 year as a working mom

March 22, 2010 ranks in the top 5 hardest days of my life. That morning I woke up and for the first time in 13 weeks, I got ready for work. I had to put on my big girl pants and do what I had to do. And they were big girl pants. The week before, in anticipation of returning to work I had to go buy new pants because all the pants I had before pregnancy were too small (OK. Way too small). It was not a fun shopping trip and I just grabbed a size that I thought would fit and got the h3ll out of the store. The ended up being a little too big and I just thanked God that they weren't too small.

That day was awful. From the minute I kissed my 10 wk old daughter goodbye until the moment I had her in my arms again. I felt empty the whole day and I filled that hole with M&Ms. Seriously, I am ashamed to admit how many M&Ms I ate during those days. I was popping them like Vicodin.

1 year later and things are so different. While I still don't enjoy getting up at the crack of dawn and leaving my baby, she actually loves going to daycare and frequently rushes me out the door sooner than I would like. And truth be told, I relish my commute when I get to listen to my books on CD and have a little me time. The only books at home that I read are written by Dr. Seuss.

And the big girl pants? They got retired this weekend, when I discovered I could take them off with out unbuttoning or unzipping them. They were replaced with some smaller big girl pants and I can see a day when I'll be back in my old wardrobe.

A letter of apology to my Husband

Dear Hubs,

I'm sorry. I know a lot has changed since the baby came along. As much as I hoped things wouldn't be so different, I am powerless to do anything different right now. I don't, however, want you to think I am unaware of or unbothered by these things. So here is a list of things I am so sorry for.

1. I'm sorry that I can't seem to move the baby out of our room. In theory, I like the idea of her being in her room but I just can't seem to separate myself from her. She is part of me and how can I sleep with part of me in another place. I need to spend that time with her. Even if we are both sleeping it makes up for the time I spend away from her working. I know I come up with a million excuses: it's too hot in her room. she won't stay asleep when I put her in her bed. Those things are true but we both know it's all about me. I promise you though: it is not about not wanting to be intimate with you. I know you worry about that based on your past experience, but I love you more now than I ever have and I do want to be with you.

2. I'm sorry that I am always questioning how much you love our little girl. I don't know why I do it. Logically, I know that you love her as much as you do your son but I can't stop worrying that you don't. I know how much having a boy means to you, so that makes me worry. I see how involved in his life you are in a way that you aren't in Baby C's. I don't know if it is because of the guilt of divorce or because she is a baby or because you trust me to run the show, but it still makes me worry. The truth is I worried about it long before I was even pregnant. We both know that this baby was for me. You would have been perfectly happy to not have another child if that was my wish. You love me though and wanted me to be happy (and oh, I am happy. I am!)

3. I'm sorry that I have gotten fat. I know you don't want to say anything but we both know you aren't blind. We've always had so much fun over food, both overindulging. Unfortunately only one of us has a raging metabolism. I'm sorry that you have to choose between having a thin wife or having a vat of cookie dough in the house. You can't have both.

4. I'm sorry that I haven't been all about the sexy time. It's not you. I swear. I'm tired. I'm fat. I'm breastfeeding, which zaps the libido and oh, yeah see item #1. Nothing kills the mood like looking into your baby's eyes right as you are about to...well, you get the point.

5. I'm sorry that me wishing I could stay home makes you feel like you aren't a good provider. I knew what I was getting into when I married a teacher who was divorced with a kid. But I need to be able to talk about these things without worrying that I am hurting your feelings. So, I'm sorry, but get over it.

6. I'm sorry that I have nothing to give to your son right now. When I'm not working C is my focus. If she is sleeping and I'm not working, you are my focus. I have nothing else to give right now. And let's be honest, his tween-iness is trying and exhausting. I can't deal with it at this point in time. Just know that when he is acting up and I leave the room with C, I am being kind. The alternative in this situation would not be pretty. As things settle, I will try to be a better stepmom. Just know that he has a mom and dad who love him more than anything in the world, just as C does. They just don't happen to all be the same people.

I'm sorry for a lot of things, but I will never be sorry for marrying you. I am trying to make our relationship top priority. I know I don't always succeed, but I love you and I always will.

--
YaraC