Nice long update- with a suprise in the middle.

Yeah, it's been a while. That's just the kind of blogger I am...i.e. not a good one. I'll do a very quick update, that will likely end up being very long.

When we last spoke, I had recently dropped about 12 lbs and was working on dropping more. And I did. By the end of May, I had dropped 11 more pounds, making a total of 23 from mid-February through the end of May. Putting me at a non-obese 207 lbs.

230 starting weight-1/12/11
220- 10 lbs- Jump start-3/14/11
209- 21 lbs- no longer obese
200- 30 lbs -prebaby weight
174- 56 lbs- no longer fat
160- 70 lbs-Healthy weight

I was running regularly and getting my shit together. I was well on my way to MILF status. I ran a 5K for the first time in 2 years and was up to running 5 miles on the weekends. Jillian and I were homies. I was a regular on SparkPeople.

There is actually a 20lb difference between the left and right pictures.

Then something happened. I know what you're thinking. Another story about how she fell off the wagon complete with excuses.

Well, this time your wrong. I didn't fall off the wagon. I have been tracking my food and eating healthy. I don't run much these days because it's hotter than hells playground where I live. But I haven't been losing weight.

Because on May 29th, this happened.

Sorry it is such a blurry picture. My phone sucks ass.

Yeah, that's right. I am, as they say in England, up the duff. Which sounds really dirty but cracks me up so I like to use the phrase. How's that for an excuse?

I am very excited and a little terrified. One kid is a lot of work, two kids blows my mind.

I'm not out of the woods yet with this pregnancy and it hasn't all been peaches and cream. I was so excited when I made it to 6 weeks 4 days because that was further than my last pregnancy. Only to start spotting the next day. I was crushed. I was certain that it was over. I knew that we wouldn't try again.

But then the spotting stopped. And that wasn't all like last time. So I had a little hope. And then we went to the doctor and saw this.

Measuring perfectly. Heart beating wildly. Just like mine and Scott's. We were so freaking nervous. I was afraid to be optimistic, but there it was.

I am only 10 weeks, so like I said, I'm not out the woods, but I felt like sharing. Next week I have an OB appointment and the following week is my NT scan. Assuming those go well, we'll come out of the closet then.


As I mentioned above, I have been continuing to track my foods and eat healthy. I really, really can't gain like I did in my first pregnancy. To date I have gained only 1 lb. That is more attributable to a vacation in Tennessee than pregnancy though. I hope to not gain anymore in the first trimester and gain only 20ish for the whole pregnancy. For me, that means keeping very close tabs on what I'm eating.

I have switched to tracking food at myfitnesspal.com (eleesee) because it is just so much easier.

So that's up with me. I'll hopefully be back before 3 months have gone by again.

Back to the drawing board

I'm doing well physically. I was very lucky to have the miscarriage happen early and to have my body complete the process itself, ie no D&C or drugs. No waiting and wondering.  In fact as soon as my hcg level hits zero (it's almost there) we are OK to start trying again.


Emotionally, I'm doing OK too. I don't dwell on the actual embryo. It's the calendar that gets me. We had planned to take trip to TN in the spring since we wouldn't be able to in the summer- but that's not the case now. I was going to miss a work conference at a swank resort in San Diego because I would be 36 wks pregnant, but now I can go. I don't need to take Dec 27 off work for my prenatal exam. I don't need to get an NT scan scheduled for the first week of January. It's those little things that sting a bit.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was more shocked than happy. I was nervous about the financial logisitics of two babies in daycare. I worried about how Caroline would deal with having to share me. Of course it didn't take long until I was excited about our new addition and now that it's gone I know more than ever that I want one more.

That changes the TTC picture. I was laid back about it. If we had a second one, great! If not, oh well we have our sweet Caroline. Now it's not, "oh well," if we don't. We mentally made ourselves a family of 5 and now we can't go back to being a family of 4.

The first time we TTC, I was crazy and obsessed. You know what I mean. Any woman who has actively tried for a baby for any length of time knows all about it. My particular flavor involved, temping, a fertility monitor with OPK back up. Yeah, I was that crazy. I also kept a full arsenal of HPTs on hand for testing early and often. I studied my charts, thinking that if I could just look long enough I would see a clue that I was pregnant or see what I was doing wrong.

PSA: No amount of chart staring will change whether your pregnancy status. You can change your temps all you want but you are either pregnant or you're not. 

I don't know if I'll get quite as obsessed this time but I just ordered a supply of OPKs and HPTs.

And just like that, it's over

Monday one of my co-workers brought in his 4-month old. She was so sweet to hold, so...compliant. So different than the  squirmy and sometimes brutal 10.5 month old that I'm used to holding. I was thinking how sweet it will be to have a little bitty one again. And it will be. But not this one.

On Tuesday, I started miscarrying. I'm OK. I was only 6 weeks along so physically it really hasn't been any worse than a period. Emotionally, I'm OK too. While I'm disappointed that there won't be a baby in July and I grieve a little for that vision of the future. I'm not one to consider the embryo (if there was even one, could have been a blighted ovum), a baby. So I don't mourn as though it was the death of my child. I understand people who do, and I don't dismiss or diminish their grief at all. But that's not me and there won't be any angel baby badges gracing my message boards.

Nor am I discouraged or worry about the next pregnancy. Had this happened on my first pregnancy I would feel a lot differently but I don't have that fear that I'll never be a mother and that makes trying to conceive number 2 very different that number 1. I don't want to diminish the importance of a second child. I am a second child myself, so they have a special place in my heart, but it just doesn't carry the same angst.

I am sad. I was looking forward to being pregnant again and having a summer baby. But I'm not devastated. We will be trying again as soon as possible and hopefully next time will turn out differently.