Friday, October 22, 2010

At least I've never stolen food.

Are You A Food Addict? Food Addicts In Recovery

1 Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't? YES
2 Do you think about food or your weight constantly? YES
3 Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success? YES
4 Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging? NO
5 Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people? ABSOLUTELY
6 Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight? NO, See number 5
7 Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)? YES
8 Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long? NO
9 Do you eat to escape from your feelings? YES
10 Do you eat when you're not hungry? YES
11 Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later? YES (shame)
12 Do you eat in secret? ABSOLUTELY
13 Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake? NO
14 Have you ever stolen other people's food? NO (Thank god, I can at least say no to this)
15 Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?" NO
16 Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight? NO
17 Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten? I have been known to do that.
18 Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten? ALWAYS
19 Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?" NO
20 Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food? SOMETIMES

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be a food addict.


There you have it.

There is no surprise here. I've been spiraling out of control food and weight wise. With most of the other areas of my life going well, it's been easy to push this fact to the back burner. Something that I can deal with when I have time to focus on it.  But really? I have time to stuff my face full of pumpkin Pop Tarts, I can't find time to think about why I'm eating garbage in vast quantities?

It's more than food "issues." Food has control over my life. Even when I was thin, I thought about food constantly. If there is a slice of pizza in the room, I can't think of anything else. Is someone gonna eat that? Can I eat it? Will I be judged if I eat it? God, I want that! If I don't get that piece, I'm gonna order a pizza when I get home. Screw that, even if I get that piece, the seed has been planted and I'm gonna order a pizza when I get home. And eat it until I burst.

It's like that. Food is an obsession. I think about it all the time.

I don't really know what I'm going to do about it right now. I know that it's time for me to address my food addiction, rather than just temporarily replacing it with a dieting addiction. Going on a diet won't cure this. I'm so out of control right now that I can't even make it until mid-morning on a diet. I haven't stepped on a scale in months but I have no doubt that I have gained back all that I lost in the spring.

Clearly, my eating is out of control because of all the changes my life has gone through over the last two years. I went from being single, childless and living alone to being a wife, mother and stepmother. I love my new life but it is stressful. I started gaining, after maintaining for 6 years, right after I got married. I don't think that is a coincidence. I feel bad saying that though. I feel like I am betraying my husband and blaming him for my predicament.

I love him and I am happy every single day that I married him, but I don't have the same control over my life that I did before. I can't do whatever, whenever and I think that loss of control is spilling out into other areas.

Right now, I'm just going to be researching Food Addiction and trying to determine my next step. I'm not great at seeking help from others so I doubt I'll be showing up at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting anytime soon. Maybe in the future. I just don't know, right now.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Fat Tuesday

I haven't posted much about my weight loss efforts lately. There's a reason for that. I haven't really lost any in a long time. I fell off the wagon and haven't been able to get my fat ass back up onto it yet. Seriously, have you ever tried to crawl onto a wagon when you are obese? It ain't easy.

I keep trying to figure out a fixable reason for why I am not succeeding. Breastfeeding, lack of planning, whatever, but the fact is I am stress eater. I am stressed and I don't know how to change that. I'm not stressed out by motherhood but I am stressed out by being a working mother. I just don't have time for anything!

Here's a typical workday.

5:30 wake-up
5:30-7:00- get ready, get Caroline ready, get bottles, her lunch, my lunch, pumping supplies, coffee- ready.
7:00-7:20- playtime with Caroline
7:30- Drop off baby at daycare and start commute.
8:30-9:00- arrive at work sometime in this window. Usually.
Work straight through without lunch break so that I can leave at
4:15- Start commute home.
5:15-5:30- Arrive home
5:30-7:00- Play with baby, feed baby, bathe baby, help with dinner prep, eat dinner as family, put baby to bed.
7:00- 9:00- This is my "free" time. I can: clean, do laundry, exercise, spend time with my husband, watch tv, or one of the other 200 things I need/want to do with the few hours I have a day. Most nights I have to choose cleaning just to keep my house from being condemned.

I want to fit exercise in there but when you combine, exhaustion, a million other need-to-do's and early darkness it just doesn't fit in too often.

Clearly, I need a job closer to home but in this economy, in my field that is a challenge. Especially when I have to fit my job search into those 2 short hours at night.

It's not an excuse. I'm not complaining. It just is. I have never been happier or more exhausted. The stupid irony of it all is that if wasn't so fat, I would probably have the energy to lose weight.

I'm going to keep trying though. I can't give up. Today has been a good day so far and I'll keep going one meal at a time.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Punkin Pickin'

Borrowed from my other blog.

On Saturday we decided to brave the sweltering fall weather and head out for a day of pumpkin picking and other fun fall activities. First we got lost in the corn maze.

Caroline hung tough in the Ergo despite the fact that it was really hot.

Then the boys tried out the pumpkin cannon. Scott was a pretty good shot with that thing.

Caroline and I waited in the wings.

She was busy looking adorable.

I just couldn't resist giving her kisses. I can never resist giving her kisses!

Then it was off to the pumpkin patch to pick a pumpkin for our little pumpkin.

Big brother carried the pumpkin back to the truck.

We were all tired from all the fun and both kids crashed out as soon as we got in the car. Scott and I decided to use that time to go for a nice drive through some of the adorable small towns that populate Maryland. It was a great day!

Friday, October 8, 2010

A post about Christmas in October

I have a confession. I love Christmas! I love the whole Christmas season. I love Christmas movies, I love Christmas songs. I love the decorations, the food, the smells, the parties. I love elegant Christmas things and homey Christmas things. Hell, I even love Christmas shopping.

Most adults I know don't love Christmas. They moan about shopping and money and weight gain, and having to spend time with family and the hassle of it all. So I keep my Christmas love on the down low.

Why am I even talking about Christmas on October 8th. Because I just came back from the mall and it is getting all Christmased up and I started getting excited- as magical as Christmas was for my first 36 years. In year 37, I get to introduce Christmas to my daughter. I can not wait.

If you're wondering, there are 81 shopping days left. You're welcome.