Friday, March 19, 2010

Dead Mommy Walking

I have to admit that right now Mommy is kicking Laura's ass. I am less than 3 days away from returning to work and it feels like I am on death row. I can't believe I have to leave my baby for 10 hours everyday. I never thought I would be the type of person to say this but it feels unnatural. How can I be letting someone else care for my baby. That's my job. That's my purpose. I always knew it would be hard but as with most things baby related, it's harder than I could have ever imagined.

The first week she will be kept by my mother, who is coming in from Tennessee for the sole purpose of watching her. So while I know she is with someone who loves with all her heart I am still filled with worry. Will she refuse to eat (she is lukewarm towards the bottle)? Will she miss me so much and be so sad? Will she feel like I have abandoned her? Will I be able to function when my heart is 36 miles away from me during the day.

Still there is really no other option. I have to work. We have bills and plans. A family of four (including stepson) just can't live in this area on a teacher's salary alone. So we are buying our lottery tickets, right now it is my only hope but I'm not counting on it.

I have to find a job closer to home. The commute sucked before (1 hour each way on a good day) but now that is time I could spend receiving baby smiles, listening to baby talk, snuggling...breathing.

They say it gets easier each day. I'm counting on that.

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