Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Fat Tuesday. Wednesday Edition.

OK, so I think we can all (and by all I mean my 2 readers) agree that I suck at this blog thing. I just rarely find myself with free time and free hands at home and feel too guilty to write at work. But enough about the things wrong with me, I'm ready to talk about my awesomeness. I have lost 11.4 lbs so far (according to my scale, WW has me at 10.2 but they weigh me with clothes on. I tried to get naked for the weigh ins but....). It has been hard and it hasn't. Hard in the sense that I have to think about everything I eat and have to practice self-control (no more M&Ms!) but easy in that when you weigh 200+ lbs, weight melts off pretty easily when you watch your intake. The first 10 are pretty easy, the last 10 are pretty impossible. I know from my past skinny days, when I thought if I could just lose 5 more or 10 more, then I would be perfect. Now I think I would be satisfied at 170 but I kow that when (if) I get there, I will just be seeing a fat girl in the mirror.

Which brings me to this picture.

It's a horrible picture. I had no makeup on and took it with a self-timer 3or 4 years ago. I didn't bother to try to look decent in it because I never planned for anyone to see it. I took the picture for one reason; to scrutinize for all of my body flaws. I would stare at it for hours, berating my stomach flab, my thunder thighs and my grandma arms. Yep, that's what I saw when I looked at this picture. I was so confused. I knew that my BMI was about 21 and I wore a size 6 at that time and yet I couldn't figure out why I looked so fat. Do you think I've had some body issues? I know now that I tend to suffer from some body dysmorphic syndrome, not to an extreme but to the point that I don't always see reality in the mirror.

How do I prevent passing that on to my daughter? Is it possible to raise a daughter not to have body issue? What if we become Amish and shun all media?

Anyway, here is my current progress report.

Start: 234
Jumpstart Goal 10 lbs -224
Current -11.4  222.6
Just Fat: 209

Goal 1 has been achieved. Next up is getting my BMI below 30 and no longer being obese. I still can't believe I let myself get to be obese (why? why?) 13.6 lbs to meet that goal. I'm hoping to get there by the end of summer.

Cruel, cruel summer, I'm fat and can't avoid a bathing suit this year because I have to be able to take my daughter swimming. This is one of the greatest sacrifices I am making for my child. I will alert everyone before appearing on the beach so you can avert your eyes lest you be blinded by the vast, reflective white expanse that is my thigh. You've been warned.

No real visible changes in the body yet. 10lbs on a 5'10" doesn't really show up.

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