Friday, April 16, 2010

A letter of apology to my Husband

Dear Hubs,

I'm sorry. I know a lot has changed since the baby came along. As much as I hoped things wouldn't be so different, I am powerless to do anything different right now. I don't, however, want you to think I am unaware of or unbothered by these things. So here is a list of things I am so sorry for.

1. I'm sorry that I can't seem to move the baby out of our room. In theory, I like the idea of her being in her room but I just can't seem to separate myself from her. She is part of me and how can I sleep with part of me in another place. I need to spend that time with her. Even if we are both sleeping it makes up for the time I spend away from her working. I know I come up with a million excuses: it's too hot in her room. she won't stay asleep when I put her in her bed. Those things are true but we both know it's all about me. I promise you though: it is not about not wanting to be intimate with you. I know you worry about that based on your past experience, but I love you more now than I ever have and I do want to be with you.

2. I'm sorry that I am always questioning how much you love our little girl. I don't know why I do it. Logically, I know that you love her as much as you do your son but I can't stop worrying that you don't. I know how much having a boy means to you, so that makes me worry. I see how involved in his life you are in a way that you aren't in Baby C's. I don't know if it is because of the guilt of divorce or because she is a baby or because you trust me to run the show, but it still makes me worry. The truth is I worried about it long before I was even pregnant. We both know that this baby was for me. You would have been perfectly happy to not have another child if that was my wish. You love me though and wanted me to be happy (and oh, I am happy. I am!)

3. I'm sorry that I have gotten fat. I know you don't want to say anything but we both know you aren't blind. We've always had so much fun over food, both overindulging. Unfortunately only one of us has a raging metabolism. I'm sorry that you have to choose between having a thin wife or having a vat of cookie dough in the house. You can't have both.

4. I'm sorry that I haven't been all about the sexy time. It's not you. I swear. I'm tired. I'm fat. I'm breastfeeding, which zaps the libido and oh, yeah see item #1. Nothing kills the mood like looking into your baby's eyes right as you are about to...well, you get the point.

5. I'm sorry that me wishing I could stay home makes you feel like you aren't a good provider. I knew what I was getting into when I married a teacher who was divorced with a kid. But I need to be able to talk about these things without worrying that I am hurting your feelings. So, I'm sorry, but get over it.

6. I'm sorry that I have nothing to give to your son right now. When I'm not working C is my focus. If she is sleeping and I'm not working, you are my focus. I have nothing else to give right now. And let's be honest, his tween-iness is trying and exhausting. I can't deal with it at this point in time. Just know that when he is acting up and I leave the room with C, I am being kind. The alternative in this situation would not be pretty. As things settle, I will try to be a better stepmom. Just know that he has a mom and dad who love him more than anything in the world, just as C does. They just don't happen to all be the same people.

I'm sorry for a lot of things, but I will never be sorry for marrying you. I am trying to make our relationship top priority. I know I don't always succeed, but I love you and I always will.


No comments:

Post a Comment