Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Fat Tuesday

I confessed my weight last week. In a week I have managed to drop a little weight. Not much but it’s a start. I’m breaking the weight loss up into small goals. It’s just so much less overwhelming that way.

Starting weight: 234

Jumpstart: 10 lbs, puts me at 224. Just a small goal to give me some motivation in the early days. 10 lbs when you are obese isn’t really that much. When it becomes the LAST 10lbs of any diet, it becomes murder.

Just fat: 215. At this weight I will no longer be obese, I’ll just be fat. In other words, at this weight my BMI will be below 30.

Pre-pregnancy: 200. Yes, I have to lose 34 pounds to hit my pre-pregnancy weight. Un-be-lieveable.

Decent: 185. At this weight, I will look pretty decent and most people won’t consider me fat.

Pre-wedding: 175. This was my wedding day weight.

Comfortable: 165. I spent most of my 30’s around 160. I figure in my post-baby, late 30’s body, this is a realistic goal.

Dream: 150. I am unlikely to ever see this weight again. If I do though, I’m breaking out the Diane von Furstenberg.

Enjoy this graphical representation.

Today I weigh: 231

This was the first week I really had my eating under control. I said no to the M&Ms, all night grazing and even avoiding all the tempting treats brought in by my co-workers. I wasn’t perfect but I was a lot better than I’ve been in the past 18 months. I’ve known this for years but logging your intake is crucial to weight loss. I’m trying to consume about 2,000 calories a day. I’m more concerned right now about getting too few rather than too many. Feeding my baby is more important than weight loss.

Exercise didn’t really happen. I don’t honestly know how I’ll ever fit that in. I tried to take the stairs more at work but that really isn’t enough to make much of a difference. Surely, I can find 20 minutes for Jillian Michaels, right?

So on to week 2. I’ll try to drink more water and fit in a little exercise. Oh and stop beating my self up for not getting with the program sooner.

Oh hey, 1 year ago today I woke up to this:

 That's 3 (with about 30 more to follow) positive home pregnancy tests. Today we call that little line, Caroline.

Friday, April 16, 2010

And now for something you'll really like

I'm going to change the focus of the blog some. I want to focus more on my transformation of what I am now, a fat, hot mess to more of the mom I want to be. I realized that I couldn't still be me since I was no longer the me I knew. The obvious is the physical but there are a lot of mental things I need shift as well. The physical will be the primary focus though- it's what I'm really struggling with right now. I'm going to chronicle the struggle to reclaim the physical me I used to know or whatever the best version of what I can now have is.

While my weight is huge part of what I hate about my appearance right now, it is not the only thing. Here are few of the things bringing me down, illustrated using photos of how I look right this minute.

My hair: I theoretically have great hair. It is long, thick with body and natural curl. The truth is though, I haven't had a cut or highlights in more than a year. The result of laziness. I hate spending 3 hours (yes, 3 long mother trucking hours) at the salon Unless it is freshly washed the curls look like a rat's nest, a psychotic, mom of 30 little ratlings who doesn't have time to fix up her, rat's nest. However, if I wash it everyday it becomes dry and frizzy and have you seen bride of Frankenstein- yeah, it's like that. Only scarier. The solution is to straighten it . When I flat iron it, it looks great for several days. It's a process that takes about 45 minutes. Have I mentioned that I work full time and have 3 month old? I don't have time for 45 minute hair. As a result, this is what my hair looks like today:

Obviously, the first thing I need to do is get a haircut and some color BUT it takes THREE time I’ll never get back HOURS! I have lot of hair and I’ve been to many salons and never get out in less time. I can’t do it on the weekends because for reasons no one can explain, Baby C will not take a bottle from her father. Why? She takes one from everyone else on the planet except him. So I can’t be gone for more than 3 hours or she will be starving mess. I guess I could do them in separate appointments but what a pain.

My skin: I’ve always struggled with acne but it was kept under control with birth control pills and pregnancy. Well, breastfeeding means I can’t use estrogen based BCP so I’m not really sure what to do about this until I’m done with that part of my life.

My clothes: For most of my 30’s I was a size 10-12. For about 27 minutes in early 2007 I was a size 6. I immediately went out and bought a $350 Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dress and wore it exactly one time. I don’t imagine I will ever wear it again. Anyway, most of my wardrobe consists of nice clothes that do not currently fit me and I refuse to buy clothes in my current size. So today I am sporting maternity jeans (shame, shame, shame) that are falling off because, well, I’m not pregnant. Also, there appears to be a bit of dried spit-up on the sleeve. Are you jealous of my life yet?

My shoes: Shoes require an entirely separate category from clothes. They are their own special kind of fabulous and I have a huge collection. Today, I’m wearing these.

The excess weight makes it hard to wear heels right now, my feet are a little bigger since pregnancy and the main reason I am not wearing something fabulous is that I haven’t had a pedicure since January 3rd. 5 days before my daughter was born. Of course, super cute shoes wouldn’t really go with the maternity jeans and spit-up shirt and I would hate for people to think my appearance is unimportant.

OK, I confess. The clogs are comfortable and the search for the comfortable seems to rule my life right now.

I’ve got a lot of work to do to go from a hot mess to a MILF. It will require me actually putting myself first sometimes, hard enough for any woman much less a new mom. But taking care of myself will help me take better care of my family and set a much better example for my daughter. I don’t want her to think that becoming a mom is the end of your looks.

Let the fun begin.


A letter of apology to my Husband

Dear Hubs,

I'm sorry. I know a lot has changed since the baby came along. As much as I hoped things wouldn't be so different, I am powerless to do anything different right now. I don't, however, want you to think I am unaware of or unbothered by these things. So here is a list of things I am so sorry for.

1. I'm sorry that I can't seem to move the baby out of our room. In theory, I like the idea of her being in her room but I just can't seem to separate myself from her. She is part of me and how can I sleep with part of me in another place. I need to spend that time with her. Even if we are both sleeping it makes up for the time I spend away from her working. I know I come up with a million excuses: it's too hot in her room. she won't stay asleep when I put her in her bed. Those things are true but we both know it's all about me. I promise you though: it is not about not wanting to be intimate with you. I know you worry about that based on your past experience, but I love you more now than I ever have and I do want to be with you.

2. I'm sorry that I am always questioning how much you love our little girl. I don't know why I do it. Logically, I know that you love her as much as you do your son but I can't stop worrying that you don't. I know how much having a boy means to you, so that makes me worry. I see how involved in his life you are in a way that you aren't in Baby C's. I don't know if it is because of the guilt of divorce or because she is a baby or because you trust me to run the show, but it still makes me worry. The truth is I worried about it long before I was even pregnant. We both know that this baby was for me. You would have been perfectly happy to not have another child if that was my wish. You love me though and wanted me to be happy (and oh, I am happy. I am!)

3. I'm sorry that I have gotten fat. I know you don't want to say anything but we both know you aren't blind. We've always had so much fun over food, both overindulging. Unfortunately only one of us has a raging metabolism. I'm sorry that you have to choose between having a thin wife or having a vat of cookie dough in the house. You can't have both.

4. I'm sorry that I haven't been all about the sexy time. It's not you. I swear. I'm tired. I'm fat. I'm breastfeeding, which zaps the libido and oh, yeah see item #1. Nothing kills the mood like looking into your baby's eyes right as you are about to...well, you get the point.

5. I'm sorry that me wishing I could stay home makes you feel like you aren't a good provider. I knew what I was getting into when I married a teacher who was divorced with a kid. But I need to be able to talk about these things without worrying that I am hurting your feelings. So, I'm sorry, but get over it.

6. I'm sorry that I have nothing to give to your son right now. When I'm not working C is my focus. If she is sleeping and I'm not working, you are my focus. I have nothing else to give right now. And let's be honest, his tween-iness is trying and exhausting. I can't deal with it at this point in time. Just know that when he is acting up and I leave the room with C, I am being kind. The alternative in this situation would not be pretty. As things settle, I will try to be a better stepmom. Just know that he has a mom and dad who love him more than anything in the world, just as C does. They just don't happen to all be the same people.

I'm sorry for a lot of things, but I will never be sorry for marrying you. I am trying to make our relationship top priority. I know I don't always succeed, but I love you and I always will.


Monday, April 12, 2010

Full Disclosure on the Fat

m feeling brave today. Maybe I'm inspired by all the McFatty Monday posts. But anyway, I'm going to do something I have never, NEVER, done before. Not even when I was skinny done before. Not even to my husband (please don't let him ever find this). OK. Deep breaths. I can do this. I weigh...



234 pounds.

Oh My God!!!! I am officially obese. If that isn't bad enough, that means I gained 30 pounds of non-baby related weight during my pregnancy. I am horrified. What's even worse is that when I got married 17 months ago, I weighed 175 (I'm 5'10" so I can carry a little more). That is an average of 3 pounds a month that I gained. I am taking up way more than my fair share of space on this planet.

I've known how much I weighed for a while now. I mean all those weigh ins at the doc during pregnancy didn't convince me I was going to have a 45 lb baby. But it didn't really seem like "real" weight. It's water. It'll melt away with breastfeeding. Once you get moving a little bit, it'll start falling off. Well none of those things seem to be true. I've posted before about my lack of success with the breastfeeding weight loss plan.

I have to face facts and do what no woman wants to do...DIET! I can't go for my normal all or nothing method though as I am nursing and need to keep my milk supply, so I am trying to stick to a 2,000 calorie a day plan. Honestly, just being aware of the snacking I was doing to ease the pain of being away from my baby all day is helping. I know that what I really want isn't M&Ms and I let myself just miss her.

Exercise is hard. I don't have much time for it but I'm trying to take C on as many walks as I can and doing a little walk/running on the weekends. I plan to run in a half marathon in October. I'm not new to half-marathons or even whole marathons, before I got married to Mr. C I was in great shape. We got married, lazy and pregnant. The half is 6 months away, I'm not fooling myself into thinking I can be at my fighting weight by then. I am just hoping to be a my pre-pregnancy weight of 199. I'll be slow and in pain but it gives me something to shoot for. Now if I can just find an extra hour everyday to exercise.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

How I cope with being away from Baby C all day. It's a problem.