At least I've never stolen food.

Are You A Food Addict? Food Addicts In Recovery

1 Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't? YES
2 Do you think about food or your weight constantly? YES
3 Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success? YES
4 Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging? NO
5 Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people? ABSOLUTELY
6 Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight? NO, See number 5
7 Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)? YES
8 Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long? NO
9 Do you eat to escape from your feelings? YES
10 Do you eat when you're not hungry? YES
11 Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later? YES (shame)
12 Do you eat in secret? ABSOLUTELY
13 Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake? NO
14 Have you ever stolen other people's food? NO (Thank god, I can at least say no to this)
15 Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?" NO
16 Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight? NO
17 Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten? I have been known to do that.
18 Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten? ALWAYS
19 Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?" NO
20 Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food? SOMETIMES

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be a food addict.

Well.

There you have it.

There is no surprise here. I've been spiraling out of control food and weight wise. With most of the other areas of my life going well, it's been easy to push this fact to the back burner. Something that I can deal with when I have time to focus on it.  But really? I have time to stuff my face full of pumpkin Pop Tarts, I can't find time to think about why I'm eating garbage in vast quantities?

It's more than food "issues." Food has control over my life. Even when I was thin, I thought about food constantly. If there is a slice of pizza in the room, I can't think of anything else. Is someone gonna eat that? Can I eat it? Will I be judged if I eat it? God, I want that! If I don't get that piece, I'm gonna order a pizza when I get home. Screw that, even if I get that piece, the seed has been planted and I'm gonna order a pizza when I get home. And eat it until I burst.

It's like that. Food is an obsession. I think about it all the time.

I don't really know what I'm going to do about it right now. I know that it's time for me to address my food addiction, rather than just temporarily replacing it with a dieting addiction. Going on a diet won't cure this. I'm so out of control right now that I can't even make it until mid-morning on a diet. I haven't stepped on a scale in months but I have no doubt that I have gained back all that I lost in the spring.

Clearly, my eating is out of control because of all the changes my life has gone through over the last two years. I went from being single, childless and living alone to being a wife, mother and stepmother. I love my new life but it is stressful. I started gaining, after maintaining for 6 years, right after I got married. I don't think that is a coincidence. I feel bad saying that though. I feel like I am betraying my husband and blaming him for my predicament.

I love him and I am happy every single day that I married him, but I don't have the same control over my life that I did before. I can't do whatever, whenever and I think that loss of control is spilling out into other areas.

Right now, I'm just going to be researching Food Addiction and trying to determine my next step. I'm not great at seeking help from others so I doubt I'll be showing up at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting anytime soon. Maybe in the future. I just don't know, right now.