Monday one of my co-workers brought in his 4-month old. She was so sweet to hold, so...compliant. So different than the squirmy and sometimes brutal 10.5 month old that I'm used to holding. I was thinking how sweet it will be to have a little bitty one again. And it will be. But not this one.
On Tuesday, I started miscarrying. I'm OK. I was only 6 weeks along so physically it really hasn't been any worse than a period. Emotionally, I'm OK too. While I'm disappointed that there won't be a baby in July and I grieve a little for that vision of the future. I'm not one to consider the embryo (if there was even one, could have been a blighted ovum), a baby. So I don't mourn as though it was the death of my child. I understand people who do, and I don't dismiss or diminish their grief at all. But that's not me and there won't be any angel baby badges gracing my message boards.
Nor am I discouraged or worry about the next pregnancy. Had this happened on my first pregnancy I would feel a lot differently but I don't have that fear that I'll never be a mother and that makes trying to conceive number 2 very different that number 1. I don't want to diminish the importance of a second child. I am a second child myself, so they have a special place in my heart, but it just doesn't carry the same angst.
I am sad. I was looking forward to being pregnant again and having a summer baby. But I'm not devastated. We will be trying again as soon as possible and hopefully next time will turn out differently.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Pregnancy FAQs
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about my pregnancy
I'm reposting this from the blog I kept when I was pregnant the first time.
On the message boards I frequent there are a lot of questions that get asked over and over. Understandable since new people probably haven’t seen all of the old posts. Because I am lazy, I am compiling my standard answers here so that I no longer have to generate them each time the question gets asked.
Should I get the NT screen/CVS/amniocentesis? Which and how much testing you should do is really an individual thing. Some people need to know with absolute certainty that there baby has no chromosomal issues and others don’t want to know anything at all. Frequently people say that it depends on if you would terminate. I don’t agree with that. I think there is a lot of benefit in knowing in advance that your baby will have issues even if you have no intentions of terminating, such a planning the appropriate hospital for the birth and research the disorder before you are overwhelmed by caring for a newborn. Like I said, it’s a personal choice.
Now reading that, you might assume that I had a lot of testing. I didn’t. Scott and I took it one step at a time. We had the NT screen and blood test that came back very good so we decided not to do the CVS. Had our risk been higher, we would have probably had more invasive testing. Likewise, had our AFP test or 18 week ultrasound shown any soft markers we probably would have had an amnio, they didn’t, so we didn’t.
When did you start showing/wearing maternity clothes? For comparison’s sake, I am 5’10” with a long torso and was unfortunately carrying about 20 extra pounds when I got knocked up.
Bump noticeable to DH and I: 14 weeks
Bump noticeable to those who knew I was pregnant and were looking: 18 weeks
Bump noticeable to all others: My first stranger comment was a 22 weeks.
I started wearing maternity clothes the majority of the time around 16 weeks
Are you getting the seasonal/ H1N1 flu vaccine? Yes and yes.
When did you start feeling the baby move? 16 weeks. Very tiny, light movements but by 18 weeks she was moving quite a bit.
When could other feel the movement? DH felt it around 22 weeks. Babies have a delightful tendency to freeze up when anyone else’s hand is on your belly.
When was your first OB appointment? My OB's office does the first prenatal appointment at 10 weeks. It seems like the average is somewhere in the 8-10 week range. It is an excruciatingly long wait when you are in the first trimester and wondering what is happening in there.
How often are your OB appointments? Every 4 weeks from weeks 10 to 30.Every 2 weeks from weeks 32 to 36 and then every week.
Does your doctor do anything different because you are AMA (advanced maternal age)? Nope. It never comes up. The only time my Dr mentioned it was when discussing screening testing options. I am on the same appointment schedule as a 26 year old would be. I don't get any more tests or U/S's than anyone else. Simply being over 35 doesn't make the pregnancy high risk.
When did you start getting internals? 36 weeks. I had to take my pants off for the Group B Strep swab so it just makes sense.
When did your baby drop? Around 35 weeks. She was very low the whole time so it wasn't too obvious but I did feel more pressure in my pelvis and my fundal height stopped going up.
When was your first OB appointment? My OB's office does the first prenatal appointment at 10 weeks. It seems like the average is somewhere in the 8-10 week range. It is an excruciatingly long wait when you are in the first trimester and wondering what is happening in there.
How often are your OB appointments? Every 4 weeks from weeks 10 to 30.Every 2 weeks from weeks 32 to 36 and then every week.
Does your doctor do anything different because you are AMA (advanced maternal age)? Nope. It never comes up. The only time my Dr mentioned it was when discussing screening testing options. I am on the same appointment schedule as a 26 year old would be. I don't get any more tests or U/S's than anyone else. Simply being over 35 doesn't make the pregnancy high risk.
When did you start getting internals? 36 weeks. I had to take my pants off for the Group B Strep swab so it just makes sense.
When did your baby drop? Around 35 weeks. She was very low the whole time so it wasn't too obvious but I did feel more pressure in my pelvis and my fundal height stopped going up.
How far along were you when you delivered? 41weeks 5 days via c-section after 4 days of induction attempts. Left to her own devices, she would still be gestating.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
One woman's joy is another woman's heartbreak.
About two years ago, when the hubs and I first started to try to conceive (TTC), I started frequenting the message boards. I stumbled onto a sub-group of 30-something women within a larger general TTC board. The nature of TTC boards is transient. Some come in, get pregnant right away and move on. Others take a little longer. Then there are the board veterans. These are the women who live with the heartbreak of infertility. They watch women month after month get knocked up and move on while they once again cry at the arrival of their period (I refuse to use the term Aunt Flo outside of the message boards. I really hate that term.). This group of "older" women had a mix of all the stages of TTC.
Over the course of the next year, the group remained and we all became great friends. True, we had never met in real life but we were definitely friends. We talked to each other about all aspects of our lives, including but not limited to, baby-making. During that time many of the women became pregnant, others did not, others suffered the disappointment of miscarriages. I was one of the lucky ones. Despite the different paths we were all going on, our friendship remained.We eventually took our friendship off the message boards and on to Facebook, so that there would no longer be an aspect of our lives left outside of The Book. While we talk mostly about the rest of our lives, we do still talk about TTC especially with those that are still trying. Because the women have become such good friends, my heart hurts with every failed IVF attempt and every IUI that one can't afford. I would give anything for them to have a child, I know how great it is. I hurt every time they discuss a sister of cousin who is pregnant or the pain of having to sit through a baby shower or any of the other ways that life slaps you around when you are infertile. I would do anything to prevent that pain for them
So how will I tell them that I'm pregnant again?
Over the course of the next year, the group remained and we all became great friends. True, we had never met in real life but we were definitely friends. We talked to each other about all aspects of our lives, including but not limited to, baby-making. During that time many of the women became pregnant, others did not, others suffered the disappointment of miscarriages. I was one of the lucky ones. Despite the different paths we were all going on, our friendship remained.We eventually took our friendship off the message boards and on to Facebook, so that there would no longer be an aspect of our lives left outside of The Book. While we talk mostly about the rest of our lives, we do still talk about TTC especially with those that are still trying. Because the women have become such good friends, my heart hurts with every failed IVF attempt and every IUI that one can't afford. I would give anything for them to have a child, I know how great it is. I hurt every time they discuss a sister of cousin who is pregnant or the pain of having to sit through a baby shower or any of the other ways that life slaps you around when you are infertile. I would do anything to prevent that pain for them
So how will I tell them that I'm pregnant again?
Friday, October 22, 2010
At least I've never stolen food.
Are You A Food Addict? Food Addicts In Recovery
1 Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't? YES
2 Do you think about food or your weight constantly? YES
3 Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success? YES
4 Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging? NO
5 Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people? ABSOLUTELY
6 Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight? NO, See number 5
7 Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)? YES
8 Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long? NO
9 Do you eat to escape from your feelings? YES
10 Do you eat when you're not hungry? YES
11 Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later? YES (shame)
12 Do you eat in secret? ABSOLUTELY
13 Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake? NO
14 Have you ever stolen other people's food? NO (Thank god, I can at least say no to this)
15 Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?" NO
16 Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight? NO
17 Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten? I have been known to do that.
18 Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten? ALWAYS
19 Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?" NO
20 Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food? SOMETIMES
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be a food addict.
Well.
There you have it.
There is no surprise here. I've been spiraling out of control food and weight wise. With most of the other areas of my life going well, it's been easy to push this fact to the back burner. Something that I can deal with when I have time to focus on it. But really? I have time to stuff my face full of pumpkin Pop Tarts, I can't find time to think about why I'm eating garbage in vast quantities?
It's more than food "issues." Food has control over my life. Even when I was thin, I thought about food constantly. If there is a slice of pizza in the room, I can't think of anything else. Is someone gonna eat that? Can I eat it? Will I be judged if I eat it? God, I want that! If I don't get that piece, I'm gonna order a pizza when I get home. Screw that, even if I get that piece, the seed has been planted and I'm gonna order a pizza when I get home. And eat it until I burst.
It's like that. Food is an obsession. I think about it all the time.
I don't really know what I'm going to do about it right now. I know that it's time for me to address my food addiction, rather than just temporarily replacing it with a dieting addiction. Going on a diet won't cure this. I'm so out of control right now that I can't even make it until mid-morning on a diet. I haven't stepped on a scale in months but I have no doubt that I have gained back all that I lost in the spring.
Clearly, my eating is out of control because of all the changes my life has gone through over the last two years. I went from being single, childless and living alone to being a wife, mother and stepmother. I love my new life but it is stressful. I started gaining, after maintaining for 6 years, right after I got married. I don't think that is a coincidence. I feel bad saying that though. I feel like I am betraying my husband and blaming him for my predicament.
I love him and I am happy every single day that I married him, but I don't have the same control over my life that I did before. I can't do whatever, whenever and I think that loss of control is spilling out into other areas.
Right now, I'm just going to be researching Food Addiction and trying to determine my next step. I'm not great at seeking help from others so I doubt I'll be showing up at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting anytime soon. Maybe in the future. I just don't know, right now.
1 Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't? YES
2 Do you think about food or your weight constantly? YES
3 Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success? YES
4 Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging? NO
5 Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people? ABSOLUTELY
6 Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight? NO, See number 5
7 Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)? YES
8 Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long? NO
9 Do you eat to escape from your feelings? YES
10 Do you eat when you're not hungry? YES
11 Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later? YES (shame)
12 Do you eat in secret? ABSOLUTELY
13 Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake? NO
14 Have you ever stolen other people's food? NO (Thank god, I can at least say no to this)
15 Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?" NO
16 Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight? NO
17 Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten? I have been known to do that.
18 Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten? ALWAYS
19 Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?" NO
20 Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food? SOMETIMES
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be a food addict.
Well.
There you have it.
There is no surprise here. I've been spiraling out of control food and weight wise. With most of the other areas of my life going well, it's been easy to push this fact to the back burner. Something that I can deal with when I have time to focus on it. But really? I have time to stuff my face full of pumpkin Pop Tarts, I can't find time to think about why I'm eating garbage in vast quantities?
It's more than food "issues." Food has control over my life. Even when I was thin, I thought about food constantly. If there is a slice of pizza in the room, I can't think of anything else. Is someone gonna eat that? Can I eat it? Will I be judged if I eat it? God, I want that! If I don't get that piece, I'm gonna order a pizza when I get home. Screw that, even if I get that piece, the seed has been planted and I'm gonna order a pizza when I get home. And eat it until I burst.
It's like that. Food is an obsession. I think about it all the time.
I don't really know what I'm going to do about it right now. I know that it's time for me to address my food addiction, rather than just temporarily replacing it with a dieting addiction. Going on a diet won't cure this. I'm so out of control right now that I can't even make it until mid-morning on a diet. I haven't stepped on a scale in months but I have no doubt that I have gained back all that I lost in the spring.
Clearly, my eating is out of control because of all the changes my life has gone through over the last two years. I went from being single, childless and living alone to being a wife, mother and stepmother. I love my new life but it is stressful. I started gaining, after maintaining for 6 years, right after I got married. I don't think that is a coincidence. I feel bad saying that though. I feel like I am betraying my husband and blaming him for my predicament.
I love him and I am happy every single day that I married him, but I don't have the same control over my life that I did before. I can't do whatever, whenever and I think that loss of control is spilling out into other areas.
Right now, I'm just going to be researching Food Addiction and trying to determine my next step. I'm not great at seeking help from others so I doubt I'll be showing up at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting anytime soon. Maybe in the future. I just don't know, right now.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Fat Tuesday
I haven't posted much about my weight loss efforts lately. There's a reason for that. I haven't really lost any in a long time. I fell off the wagon and haven't been able to get my fat ass back up onto it yet. Seriously, have you ever tried to crawl onto a wagon when you are obese? It ain't easy.
I keep trying to figure out a fixable reason for why I am not succeeding. Breastfeeding, lack of planning, whatever, but the fact is I am stress eater. I am stressed and I don't know how to change that. I'm not stressed out by motherhood but I am stressed out by being a working mother. I just don't have time for anything!
Here's a typical workday.
5:30 wake-up
5:30-7:00- get ready, get Caroline ready, get bottles, her lunch, my lunch, pumping supplies, coffee- ready.
7:00-7:20- playtime with Caroline
7:30- Drop off baby at daycare and start commute.
8:30-9:00- arrive at work sometime in this window. Usually.
Work straight through without lunch break so that I can leave at
4:15- Start commute home.
5:15-5:30- Arrive home
5:30-7:00- Play with baby, feed baby, bathe baby, help with dinner prep, eat dinner as family, put baby to bed.
7:00- 9:00- This is my "free" time. I can: clean, do laundry, exercise, spend time with my husband, watch tv, or one of the other 200 things I need/want to do with the few hours I have a day. Most nights I have to choose cleaning just to keep my house from being condemned.
I want to fit exercise in there but when you combine, exhaustion, a million other need-to-do's and early darkness it just doesn't fit in too often.
Clearly, I need a job closer to home but in this economy, in my field that is a challenge. Especially when I have to fit my job search into those 2 short hours at night.
It's not an excuse. I'm not complaining. It just is. I have never been happier or more exhausted. The stupid irony of it all is that if wasn't so fat, I would probably have the energy to lose weight.
I'm going to keep trying though. I can't give up. Today has been a good day so far and I'll keep going one meal at a time.
I keep trying to figure out a fixable reason for why I am not succeeding. Breastfeeding, lack of planning, whatever, but the fact is I am stress eater. I am stressed and I don't know how to change that. I'm not stressed out by motherhood but I am stressed out by being a working mother. I just don't have time for anything!
Here's a typical workday.
5:30 wake-up
5:30-7:00- get ready, get Caroline ready, get bottles, her lunch, my lunch, pumping supplies, coffee- ready.
7:00-7:20- playtime with Caroline
7:30- Drop off baby at daycare and start commute.
8:30-9:00- arrive at work sometime in this window. Usually.
Work straight through without lunch break so that I can leave at
4:15- Start commute home.
5:15-5:30- Arrive home
5:30-7:00- Play with baby, feed baby, bathe baby, help with dinner prep, eat dinner as family, put baby to bed.
7:00- 9:00- This is my "free" time. I can: clean, do laundry, exercise, spend time with my husband, watch tv, or one of the other 200 things I need/want to do with the few hours I have a day. Most nights I have to choose cleaning just to keep my house from being condemned.
I want to fit exercise in there but when you combine, exhaustion, a million other need-to-do's and early darkness it just doesn't fit in too often.
Clearly, I need a job closer to home but in this economy, in my field that is a challenge. Especially when I have to fit my job search into those 2 short hours at night.
It's not an excuse. I'm not complaining. It just is. I have never been happier or more exhausted. The stupid irony of it all is that if wasn't so fat, I would probably have the energy to lose weight.
I'm going to keep trying though. I can't give up. Today has been a good day so far and I'll keep going one meal at a time.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Punkin Pickin'
Borrowed from my other blog.
On Saturday we decided to brave the sweltering fall weather and head out for a day of pumpkin picking and other fun fall activities. First we got lost in the corn maze.
Caroline hung tough in the Ergo despite the fact that it was really hot.
Then the boys tried out the pumpkin cannon. Scott was a pretty good shot with that thing.
Caroline and I waited in the wings.
She was busy looking adorable.
I just couldn't resist giving her kisses. I can never resist giving her kisses!
Then it was off to the pumpkin patch to pick a pumpkin for our little pumpkin.
Big brother carried the pumpkin back to the truck.
We were all tired from all the fun and both kids crashed out as soon as we got in the car. Scott and I decided to use that time to go for a nice drive through some of the adorable small towns that populate Maryland. It was a great day!
On Saturday we decided to brave the sweltering fall weather and head out for a day of pumpkin picking and other fun fall activities. First we got lost in the corn maze.
Caroline hung tough in the Ergo despite the fact that it was really hot.
Then the boys tried out the pumpkin cannon. Scott was a pretty good shot with that thing.
Caroline and I waited in the wings.
She was busy looking adorable.
I just couldn't resist giving her kisses. I can never resist giving her kisses!
Then it was off to the pumpkin patch to pick a pumpkin for our little pumpkin.
Big brother carried the pumpkin back to the truck.
We were all tired from all the fun and both kids crashed out as soon as we got in the car. Scott and I decided to use that time to go for a nice drive through some of the adorable small towns that populate Maryland. It was a great day!
Friday, October 8, 2010
A post about Christmas in October
I have a confession. I love Christmas! I love the whole Christmas season. I love Christmas movies, I love Christmas songs. I love the decorations, the food, the smells, the parties. I love elegant Christmas things and homey Christmas things. Hell, I even love Christmas shopping.
Most adults I know don't love Christmas. They moan about shopping and money and weight gain, and having to spend time with family and the hassle of it all. So I keep my Christmas love on the down low.
Why am I even talking about Christmas on October 8th. Because I just came back from the mall and it is getting all Christmased up and I started getting excited- as magical as Christmas was for my first 36 years. In year 37, I get to introduce Christmas to my daughter. I can not wait.
If you're wondering, there are 81 shopping days left. You're welcome.
Most adults I know don't love Christmas. They moan about shopping and money and weight gain, and having to spend time with family and the hassle of it all. So I keep my Christmas love on the down low.
Why am I even talking about Christmas on October 8th. Because I just came back from the mall and it is getting all Christmased up and I started getting excited- as magical as Christmas was for my first 36 years. In year 37, I get to introduce Christmas to my daughter. I can not wait.
If you're wondering, there are 81 shopping days left. You're welcome.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)