At least I've never stolen food.

Are You A Food Addict? Food Addicts In Recovery

1 Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't? YES
2 Do you think about food or your weight constantly? YES
3 Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success? YES
4 Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging? NO
5 Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people? ABSOLUTELY
6 Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight? NO, See number 5
7 Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)? YES
8 Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long? NO
9 Do you eat to escape from your feelings? YES
10 Do you eat when you're not hungry? YES
11 Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later? YES (shame)
12 Do you eat in secret? ABSOLUTELY
13 Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake? NO
14 Have you ever stolen other people's food? NO (Thank god, I can at least say no to this)
15 Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?" NO
16 Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight? NO
17 Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten? I have been known to do that.
18 Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten? ALWAYS
19 Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?" NO
20 Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food? SOMETIMES

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be a food addict.

Well.

There you have it.

There is no surprise here. I've been spiraling out of control food and weight wise. With most of the other areas of my life going well, it's been easy to push this fact to the back burner. Something that I can deal with when I have time to focus on it.  But really? I have time to stuff my face full of pumpkin Pop Tarts, I can't find time to think about why I'm eating garbage in vast quantities?

It's more than food "issues." Food has control over my life. Even when I was thin, I thought about food constantly. If there is a slice of pizza in the room, I can't think of anything else. Is someone gonna eat that? Can I eat it? Will I be judged if I eat it? God, I want that! If I don't get that piece, I'm gonna order a pizza when I get home. Screw that, even if I get that piece, the seed has been planted and I'm gonna order a pizza when I get home. And eat it until I burst.

It's like that. Food is an obsession. I think about it all the time.

I don't really know what I'm going to do about it right now. I know that it's time for me to address my food addiction, rather than just temporarily replacing it with a dieting addiction. Going on a diet won't cure this. I'm so out of control right now that I can't even make it until mid-morning on a diet. I haven't stepped on a scale in months but I have no doubt that I have gained back all that I lost in the spring.

Clearly, my eating is out of control because of all the changes my life has gone through over the last two years. I went from being single, childless and living alone to being a wife, mother and stepmother. I love my new life but it is stressful. I started gaining, after maintaining for 6 years, right after I got married. I don't think that is a coincidence. I feel bad saying that though. I feel like I am betraying my husband and blaming him for my predicament.

I love him and I am happy every single day that I married him, but I don't have the same control over my life that I did before. I can't do whatever, whenever and I think that loss of control is spilling out into other areas.

Right now, I'm just going to be researching Food Addiction and trying to determine my next step. I'm not great at seeking help from others so I doubt I'll be showing up at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting anytime soon. Maybe in the future. I just don't know, right now.

Fat Tuesday

I haven't posted much about my weight loss efforts lately. There's a reason for that. I haven't really lost any in a long time. I fell off the wagon and haven't been able to get my fat ass back up onto it yet. Seriously, have you ever tried to crawl onto a wagon when you are obese? It ain't easy.

I keep trying to figure out a fixable reason for why I am not succeeding. Breastfeeding, lack of planning, whatever, but the fact is I am stress eater. I am stressed and I don't know how to change that. I'm not stressed out by motherhood but I am stressed out by being a working mother. I just don't have time for anything!

Here's a typical workday.

5:30 wake-up
5:30-7:00- get ready, get Caroline ready, get bottles, her lunch, my lunch, pumping supplies, coffee- ready.
7:00-7:20- playtime with Caroline
7:30- Drop off baby at daycare and start commute.
8:30-9:00- arrive at work sometime in this window. Usually.
Work straight through without lunch break so that I can leave at
4:15- Start commute home.
5:15-5:30- Arrive home
5:30-7:00- Play with baby, feed baby, bathe baby, help with dinner prep, eat dinner as family, put baby to bed.
7:00- 9:00- This is my "free" time. I can: clean, do laundry, exercise, spend time with my husband, watch tv, or one of the other 200 things I need/want to do with the few hours I have a day. Most nights I have to choose cleaning just to keep my house from being condemned.

I want to fit exercise in there but when you combine, exhaustion, a million other need-to-do's and early darkness it just doesn't fit in too often.

Clearly, I need a job closer to home but in this economy, in my field that is a challenge. Especially when I have to fit my job search into those 2 short hours at night.

It's not an excuse. I'm not complaining. It just is. I have never been happier or more exhausted. The stupid irony of it all is that if wasn't so fat, I would probably have the energy to lose weight.

I'm going to keep trying though. I can't give up. Today has been a good day so far and I'll keep going one meal at a time.

Punkin Pickin'

Borrowed from my other blog.

On Saturday we decided to brave the sweltering fall weather and head out for a day of pumpkin picking and other fun fall activities. First we got lost in the corn maze.

Caroline hung tough in the Ergo despite the fact that it was really hot.



Then the boys tried out the pumpkin cannon. Scott was a pretty good shot with that thing.



Caroline and I waited in the wings.



She was busy looking adorable.



I just couldn't resist giving her kisses. I can never resist giving her kisses!

Then it was off to the pumpkin patch to pick a pumpkin for our little pumpkin.



Big brother carried the pumpkin back to the truck.



We were all tired from all the fun and both kids crashed out as soon as we got in the car. Scott and I decided to use that time to go for a nice drive through some of the adorable small towns that populate Maryland. It was a great day!

A post about Christmas in October

I have a confession. I love Christmas! I love the whole Christmas season. I love Christmas movies, I love Christmas songs. I love the decorations, the food, the smells, the parties. I love elegant Christmas things and homey Christmas things. Hell, I even love Christmas shopping.

Most adults I know don't love Christmas. They moan about shopping and money and weight gain, and having to spend time with family and the hassle of it all. So I keep my Christmas love on the down low.

Why am I even talking about Christmas on October 8th. Because I just came back from the mall and it is getting all Christmased up and I started getting excited- as magical as Christmas was for my first 36 years. In year 37, I get to introduce Christmas to my daughter. I can not wait.

If you're wondering, there are 81 shopping days left. You're welcome.

One little brown spot and suddenly it's a Poison apple.

Recently I was watching Cinderella- the original cartoon version, not the whacktacular version with Brandie and Whitney Houston (speaking of cracktacular whacktacular). You know the one in which Whoopi Goldberg and Jennifer Garner's dad on Alias mate to produce a Filipino son.- anyway and as always happens I got angry that the stepmother is evil.

It's well known that the Grimm brothers didn't do much to advance respect and reverence for stepmothers. Those bastards will forever be on my shit list for coining the "wicked/evil stepmother" phrase. Where's the disdain for the fathers who left their children in the care of these women and who let themselves be controlled so easily? But I digress.

There are several theories as to why fairy tales are filled with evil stepmothers. One is that it is more believable that a stepmother would be trying to off the kids than a mother. Maybe, but most stepmothers I know are just as horrified at the thought of hurting a child as are mothers. I have my own theory as to how fairytale stepmoms got such a bad reputation. These stories are told from the child's side. Did anyone ask Snow White's stepmother for her version of the events? Everyone knows kids are prone to exaggeration (I never knew until just now how to spell exaggeration. Two Gs. Who knew?) and even outright lying. Here's my theory on the origins of some well-known "wicked" stepmothers.

Snow White- In Snow White's version, her stepmother gives her a poison apple to try to kill her. Now, I recall one time when my stepson accused me of trying to kill him because I suggested that he drink water from the tap since we don't keep bottled water around the house. We live in an well-populated suburb of a large America city, not in a third world country or even somewhere with well-water. So the idea that tap water would kill him is a bit of an exaggeration (Two Gs!) don't you think. Is it really a far stretch to believe that Snow White's stepmother told Snow White to go outside and take a break from Facebook and gave her an apple. In all her teenage brattiness, Snow White huffed out and examined the apple which just happened to have a tiny brown spot. Looking for any excuse that she could to hate her stepmother, Snow White declared her horror at the brown spot and that she had been given a POISON apple and chose to stay outside and sulk. The dwarves that took her in? They were actually the quiverful family down the street that simply didn't notice that she wasn't one of theirs.

Cinderella- Poor Cinderella forced by her stepmother to do all the chores around the house while her daughters did nothing. I know this one too. My stepson has two chores when he is at our house, setting the table and making his bed, yet I can't tell you how frequently he bemoans having to do EVERYTHING around here. You see when Cinderella lived alone with her dad, things like eating at a table and basic sanitary conditions went out the window. Men do not see mess, so Cinderella's dad couldn't have told you if Cinderella even had sheets on her bed much less whether or not it was made. And dinner, he just wanted to eat it in front of the TV. Then in comes the horrible stepmother with her family dinners and hygiene requirements and suddenly Cinderella's life of sloth came to an end. And those ugly stepsisters, obviously when they weren't willing to put up with her attitude and complaining about all. those. chores., it was because they were jealous of her beauty. Too bad they didn't write a follow-up to Cinderella after she is married and has kids and then finds out what it really means to have to do everything around here.

Hansel and Gretel- Hansel and Gretel's single dad liked to do whatever kept his kids happy and out of his hair. If that meant playing with dwarf figures (or whatever the old time equivalent to video games would be) and eating junk 19 hours a day, so be it. When his new wife moved in she was appalled at H &G's pasty complexions and rotund figures. So she took it upon herself to make some changes. Some might say she was overstepping, but she really had their best interest at heart and quite frankly the family couldn't afford to keep buying all that junk food after the snack tax was instated. First she started making them eat vegetables, which really pissed H&G off. They were used to getting their way all the time with their dad. So they were none too amused when one sunny day, their stepmom had their dad make them go outside and not come back....for at least an hour. In desperate need of a candy fix, H&G went off to steal some candy from the old lady down the road, home invasion style. The joke was on them when the old lady turned the tables on them. By the time their dad found them, they had revised their story so that "they had been deserted and the old lady had candy on the outside of her house. We thought it was free and then she just went crazy on us."

OK. I got a little off topic in that last one, but those two German brats (ha ha) have always seemed a little shifty to me. And what about the mysterious death of their stepmother? Seems fishy to me.

So remember, next time you hear someone complaining about their evil stepmother, there are two side to every story. And one little brown spot won't kill you.

Not pictured, Guacamole

This is a molcajete.

It should have been picture of a molcajete overflowing with the most delicious guacamole ever but once I started making it my mind went blank of everything except eating it and didn't clear up again until I had licked the bowl clean. So I forgot to take a picture.

The recipe I use is from Williams and Sonoma. It came with the molcajete, which was a wedding gift. I mean I registered for it but I never would have bought it on my own. I registered for it because a) it looked freakin' cool and I could imagine having it setting out on display in my kitchen and b) the best guacamole I had ever had to that point had been made at my table in a restaurant using one of these things.

I've tried a bunch of different recipes for guacamole since acquiring this gadget but have never come across any that consistently turn out this delicious. I thought I would share so that you might enjoy too. You don't need the giant mortar and pestle but it doesn't hurt.

1 ripe tomato- diced

2 tbsp finely diced white onion

1-2 (depending on taste. I use 1) serano chiles, seeded and finely chopped. Note: You will want to use goves when working with these little f'ers. No matter how many times you wash your hands, the burn stays and god help you if you touch your eyes. I had to be especially careful last night since I knew I could have to tend to a baby at any point)

1/2 tsp sea salt (I use more. Much more)

1 tbsp fresh lime juice (Fresh dammit)

Combine the above items in the molcajete and grind them into a paste. If you don't have one, you can use a blender or if you like things chunky just leave them as is.

Add 2 avocados and cilantro (I use this because when I buy fresh herbs I end up wasting half of them and this is really quite good. )

Mix, mush, stir, pummel whatever to the consistency you desire. I like mine a little on the chunky side but I know a lot of people who like is smooth.

Finally, and this is crucial, serve it with Hint of Lime tortilla chips. You won't be sorry.

Make this for someone you love and they will love you just a little bit more, in return.

Diet? I don't want to talk about no stinkin' diet. Things have been bad. I think I've got them figured out now but the last few weeks have been a disaster when it comes to dieting. I've been too ashamed to go to my Weight Watchers meetings which completely defeats the purpose because that accountability was supposed to keep me honest. Unfortunately, I found out that you can miss meetings without getting in trouble. Yeah, that's how I think. I'm stuck in a high school mentality in which I think I am going to get "in trouble" if I miss a Weight Watchers meeting. I'm not sure what the punishment would be. Dentention? Suspension? Or (Dear God, No) a note home to my parents!!!!! Anyway, <sigh>, my weight continues to be a struggle.</sigh><br /><br />I am still nursing the baby and I cut down my points because she is starting to eat more solids. If you are nursing full time, you get 10 extra points, if your baby gets supplements or solids you only get 5 extra points. However, since I was pumping and my baby was nursing in the middle of the night, my body didn't know I wasn't nursing a newborn. The result: absolute starvation. I would stick to my points for a day or two and then be so hungry and without control that I would binge on everything within a 10 mile radius. It was not good.<br /><br />I am cutting down on my pumping. I'm hoping that can help control the appetite some. I have mixed feelings about it, since it may result in me having to supplement with formula. Logically, I have no problem with that but still I feel guilty. I'm not just doing it for weight loss though. I still haven't gotten my postpartum AF back and my husband and I have decided that we like our baby so much we want another. Time is of the essence there.<img src="http://theblogbooster.com/pixel.gif" width="0" height="0" style="border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-width: initial; border-color: initial; " alt="" />