Marching Forward

On this the last day of February, I am looking forward to starting a new month and setting some goals for the month.

1. Complete C25K team March Challenge
a) Run 3x per week
b) Keep in calorie range all 31 days (HUGE!!! Challenge for me)
c) Reduce waist circumference

2. Limit refined and white carbs to one meal per day 5x per week

3. Start working in some strength and yoga 2x week (I've been doing the Shred a couple of days a week but I feel like I need something more focused and less Jillian)

I think that is enough for the month. Probably more than enough but I'm going to try. I'm not setting a weight loss goal because I don't want focus too much on that. I'm really focused right now on regaining my running form and ability and losing weight as a mean to that end.

Feeling someone else's age.

When I used to exercise a lot, the one thing that never went away was being sore and tight in the mornings when I got out of bed. Then I got pregnant and stopped exercising but getting out of bed was still an ordeal for other reasons. Then I had the baby and didn't exercise and getting out bed stopped hurting.

I didn't realize that until this morning. After 2 runs and some weights this weekend, I felt it when I got up this morning. My calves were so tight as I hobbled to the nursery, I must have looke like Franstein to my daughter as I hobbled in. It bought it all back and reminded me of the one downside to running. Luckily it's not enough to stop me. In fact I kind of like it, in a sick way.

My pain was enhanced by the fact that on Saturday as I was walking into Target, carrying my daughter I tripped over a curb and fell. Since I was holding the baby I could reach out to brace or slow myself down and I turned to protect her so the left side of my body took the brunt of the fall. I was uninjured minus a few scraps and a major blow to my pride and the baby was completely unscathed, but I am a bit sore from the event.

So I started out this morning feeling 48 rather than 38 but rather than deter me, it just makes me want to get in better shape.

I'm a runner again.

So I have mentioned before that I used to run a lot. Back before I got fat there were, 5Ks, 10Ks, 10 milers, 1/2 marathons and even a marathon. But the sloth I have slipped into over the last few years has be starting back at the beginning. I'm doing the C25K program. I was afraid to try anything more ambitious. I was afraid that at my weight I wouldn't be able to even jog.

But you know what? It's been easy. The first two weeks have really been easy for me. I haven't worked up much of a sweat. I haven't been dying at the end of the running portions. I haven't been too out of breath when I'm done. I don't think this is because I am secretly fit under all my fat. It is just a great example of how much of running is mental. Yes, there is obviously a large physical aspect to it to, but for the most part putting one foot in front of the other over and over again is mental.

I broke through those mental hurdles years ago when I first started running. Back when the idea of running for 30 straight minutes was almost unthinkable. I crushed those mental hurdles when I got to mile 20 and still had to keep going for 6 more miles. One step at a time.
So now when I'm running despite being technically obese, I look at the training program and see 90 seconds and know that I can do that. I have done that.

Getting back into regular running has invigorated me. I hadn't realized how much I've missed it. I can't wait for spring and to have less pressure on my knees and the great runs that will bring. I've been bummed because the C25K program only call for 3 runs a week. It was only yesterday that it dawned on me that, d'uh, I can run as often as I want. The program is just a sheet of paper, not a law. Of course, after that revelation and looking forward to running tonight, we are expecting 50-60 mile per hour winds all evening and a run will have to wait until tomorrow (I only run outdoors. Treadmills bore me to tears.)

I pulled out my old running clothes and put them where I can see them often. They are my motivators. When I look at them I want to go run and run and run. I want to fit in them again. I WILL fit in them again!

Back to the drawing board

I'm doing well physically. I was very lucky to have the miscarriage happen early and to have my body complete the process itself, ie no D&C or drugs. No waiting and wondering.  In fact as soon as my hcg level hits zero (it's almost there) we are OK to start trying again.


Emotionally, I'm doing OK too. I don't dwell on the actual embryo. It's the calendar that gets me. We had planned to take trip to TN in the spring since we wouldn't be able to in the summer- but that's not the case now. I was going to miss a work conference at a swank resort in San Diego because I would be 36 wks pregnant, but now I can go. I don't need to take Dec 27 off work for my prenatal exam. I don't need to get an NT scan scheduled for the first week of January. It's those little things that sting a bit.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was more shocked than happy. I was nervous about the financial logisitics of two babies in daycare. I worried about how Caroline would deal with having to share me. Of course it didn't take long until I was excited about our new addition and now that it's gone I know more than ever that I want one more.

That changes the TTC picture. I was laid back about it. If we had a second one, great! If not, oh well we have our sweet Caroline. Now it's not, "oh well," if we don't. We mentally made ourselves a family of 5 and now we can't go back to being a family of 4.

The first time we TTC, I was crazy and obsessed. You know what I mean. Any woman who has actively tried for a baby for any length of time knows all about it. My particular flavor involved, temping, a fertility monitor with OPK back up. Yeah, I was that crazy. I also kept a full arsenal of HPTs on hand for testing early and often. I studied my charts, thinking that if I could just look long enough I would see a clue that I was pregnant or see what I was doing wrong.

PSA: No amount of chart staring will change whether your pregnancy status. You can change your temps all you want but you are either pregnant or you're not. 

I don't know if I'll get quite as obsessed this time but I just ordered a supply of OPKs and HPTs.

And just like that, it's over

Monday one of my co-workers brought in his 4-month old. She was so sweet to hold, so...compliant. So different than the  squirmy and sometimes brutal 10.5 month old that I'm used to holding. I was thinking how sweet it will be to have a little bitty one again. And it will be. But not this one.

On Tuesday, I started miscarrying. I'm OK. I was only 6 weeks along so physically it really hasn't been any worse than a period. Emotionally, I'm OK too. While I'm disappointed that there won't be a baby in July and I grieve a little for that vision of the future. I'm not one to consider the embryo (if there was even one, could have been a blighted ovum), a baby. So I don't mourn as though it was the death of my child. I understand people who do, and I don't dismiss or diminish their grief at all. But that's not me and there won't be any angel baby badges gracing my message boards.

Nor am I discouraged or worry about the next pregnancy. Had this happened on my first pregnancy I would feel a lot differently but I don't have that fear that I'll never be a mother and that makes trying to conceive number 2 very different that number 1. I don't want to diminish the importance of a second child. I am a second child myself, so they have a special place in my heart, but it just doesn't carry the same angst.

I am sad. I was looking forward to being pregnant again and having a summer baby. But I'm not devastated. We will be trying again as soon as possible and hopefully next time will turn out differently.

Pregnancy FAQs

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about my pregnancy

I'm reposting this from the blog I kept when I was pregnant the first time. 

 

On the message boards I frequent there are a lot of questions that get asked over and over. Understandable since new people probably haven’t seen all of the old posts. Because I am lazy, I am compiling my standard answers here so that I no longer have to generate them each time the question gets asked.

Should I get the NT screen/CVS/amniocentesis? Which and how much testing you should do is really an individual thing. Some people need to know with absolute certainty that there baby has no chromosomal issues and others don’t want to know anything at all. Frequently people say that it depends on if you would terminate. I don’t agree with that. I think there is a lot of benefit in knowing in advance that your baby will have issues even if you have no intentions of terminating, such a planning the appropriate hospital for the birth and research the disorder before you are overwhelmed by caring for a newborn. Like I said, it’s a personal choice.

Now reading that, you might assume that I had a lot of testing. I didn’t. Scott and I took it one step at a time. We had the NT screen and blood test that came back very good so we decided not to do the CVS. Had our risk been higher, we would have probably had more invasive testing. Likewise, had our AFP test or 18 week ultrasound shown any soft markers we probably would have had an amnio, they didn’t, so we didn’t.

When did you start showing/wearing maternity clothes? For comparison’s sake, I am 5’10” with a long torso and was unfortunately carrying about 20 extra pounds when I got knocked up.

Bump noticeable to DH and I:  14 weeks

Bump noticeable to those who knew I was pregnant and were looking: 18 weeks

Bump noticeable to all others: My first stranger comment was a 22 weeks.

I started wearing maternity clothes the majority of the time around 16 weeks

Are you getting the seasonal/ H1N1 flu vaccine? Yes and yes.

When did you start feeling the baby move? 16 weeks. Very tiny, light movements but by 18 weeks she was moving quite a bit.

When could other feel the movement? DH felt it around 22 weeks. Babies have a delightful tendency to freeze up when anyone else’s hand is on your belly.

When was your first OB appointment? My OB's office does the first prenatal appointment at 10 weeks. It seems like the average is somewhere in the 8-10 week range. It is an excruciatingly long wait when you are in the first trimester and wondering what is happening in there.


How often are your OB appointments? Every 4 weeks from weeks 10 to 30.Every 2 weeks from weeks 32 to 36 and then every week.

Does your doctor do anything different because you are AMA (advanced maternal age)? Nope. It never comes up. The only time my Dr mentioned it was when discussing screening testing options. I am on the same appointment schedule as a 26 year old would be. I don't get any more tests or U/S's than anyone else. Simply being over 35 doesn't make the pregnancy high risk.

When did you start getting internals? 36 weeks. I had to take my pants off for the Group B Strep swab so it just makes sense. 

When did your baby drop? Around 35 weeks. She was very low the whole time so it wasn't too obvious but I did feel more pressure in my pelvis and my fundal height stopped going up.

 

How far along were you when you delivered? 41weeks 5 days via c-section after 4 days of induction attempts. Left to her own devices, she would still be gestating.

That’s all I can think of for now. I’ll update as I think of more.

One woman's joy is another woman's heartbreak.

About two years ago, when the hubs and I first started to try to conceive (TTC), I started frequenting the message boards. I stumbled onto a sub-group of 30-something women within a larger general TTC board. The nature of TTC boards is transient. Some come in, get pregnant right away and move on. Others take a little longer. Then there are the board veterans. These are the women who live with the heartbreak of infertility. They watch women month after month get knocked up and move on while they once again cry at the arrival of their period (I refuse to use the term Aunt Flo outside of the message boards. I really hate that term.). This group of "older" women had a mix of all the stages of TTC.

Over the course of the next year, the group remained and we all became great friends. True, we had never met in real life but we were definitely friends. We talked to each other about all aspects of our lives, including but not limited to, baby-making. During that time many of the women became pregnant, others did not, others suffered the disappointment of miscarriages. I was one of the lucky ones. Despite the different paths we were all going on, our friendship remained.We eventually took our friendship off the message boards and on to Facebook, so that there would no longer be an aspect of our lives left outside of The Book. While we talk mostly about the rest of our lives, we do still talk about TTC especially with those that are still trying. Because the women have become such good friends, my heart hurts with every failed IVF attempt and every IUI that one can't afford. I would give anything for them to have a child, I know how great it is. I hurt every time they discuss a sister of cousin who is pregnant or the pain of having to sit through a baby shower or any of the other ways that life slaps you around when you are infertile. I would do anything to prevent that pain for them

So how will I tell them that I'm pregnant again?