The truth about breastfeeding...for me anyway.

I breastfeed. I did so exclusively until I returned to work, now I pump and breastfeed. I chose breastfeeding for all of the reasons we've all heard about: healthier for baby, increased immunity for baby, less chance of colic, decreased risk of certain diseases for me, it's free!, and "the pounds will just fall off". I confess that I love nursing my daughter and I get a huge kick out of the big smile she gets when she sees me whipping out a boob for her dining pleasure.

But there are things they don't tell you about breastfeeding. I'm not talking about how hard it is in the beginning (It is. You may know the mechanics but no one gave your baby a lesson in utero.) or cracked nipples (they exist too and they hurt). If you don't know those things beforehand, honestly, you didn't do your homework. Read an article here or there FFS.

I'm talking about this:

It's not really free. Oh, in theory it is, the earth mother brings the child to her breast, cradling him in her arms every single time he wants to eat, but the reality is you need some supplies.

Boppy or other support. Babies get heavy AND your not really going to be gazing into your infants eyes the whole time so it's nice to be able to do it one handed so you can computer, read, channel surf. These run $30-40.

Nipple shields, supplemental feeders whatever you made need some items to get things started, cheap but not free. $10

Breast pump, even if you stay at home surely you can't be there for every single feeding...EVER. Manual $30, Electric $250. I have both.

Bottles, my daughter is picky and we went through several types to find one she would take. To date we have spent about $60 on bottles.

Additional pumping supplies (storage bags, extra parts) - $40

To date (11 weeks) I have spent $410 to feed my daughter for free.

The more disturbing breastfeeding fact that is kept under wraps is: Not Everyone Loses Weight

Most people drop pounds while they are breastfeeding as it requires about 750 extra calories to make breastmilk and about 250 of those come from fat stores. But, hey, guess what. There are some lucky people whose metabolism holds onto extra weight during breastfeeding to ensure the baby can be fed during a famine. Guess who one of those lucky evolutionary jackpot winners is! That's right, me. Call the fucking prize patrol.

I weigh exactly the same as I did one week after giving birth. No more and absolutely no less. I've got my eating under control (sorta), I'm more active (the absence of 50 inches of snow helps there) but my weight is stubborn. It's so frustrating, I feel so fat and frumpy. I was counting on nursing to negate a few of those cupcakes. I knew it wouldn't be a cure all but I never expected this.

I will keep breastfeeding though. I like it. She loves it. Hopefully, we'll get a few less sick days because of it. I just have to wrap my brain around the fact that I probably won't be thinner by summer. Can I accept wearing a bathing suit while fat? Can I buy new clothes in this new size? Isn't it better to look good at the size that I am than to keep wearing maternity clothes waiting to lose weight. Can I say goodbye to the frump and be a BBW for at least a little while? I don't know if I can. It will physically hurt me to spend money on new, bigger clothes but I just can't stand how dumpy I look in my clothes right now. Not to mention the fact that my shoes don't fit (we'll address that in a different post) and that my wedding and engagement rings are too tight. Will accepting my weight help me feel a little more sexy, because right now I cringe when my hubs looks at me and sexy time is a rarity. I know he isn't crazy about the weight either though he would never say so.

Right now I am at a loss as to how to accept fat mommyhood.

My god it was hard to leave her this morning. I would never have dreamed working could feel so wrong.

Just test my new mobile blogging functionality.

It's been 5 hours since I last held a baby.

That's the longest I've gone without my baby in my arms since she was born. OK, once she slept for 6 hours at night but humor me, OK. It hurts. It feels like something is missing. Work is OK and occasionally I get into a groove and don't think about it, then I glance at a picture and the pain comes searing back.

Caroline is apparently doing fine. She slept the morning away. I wish I could say the same for me.

Spring is in the air

Dead Mommy Walking

I have to admit that right now Mommy is kicking Laura's ass. I am less than 3 days away from returning to work and it feels like I am on death row. I can't believe I have to leave my baby for 10 hours everyday. I never thought I would be the type of person to say this but it feels unnatural. How can I be letting someone else care for my baby. That's my job. That's my purpose. I always knew it would be hard but as with most things baby related, it's harder than I could have ever imagined.

The first week she will be kept by my mother, who is coming in from Tennessee for the sole purpose of watching her. So while I know she is with someone who loves with all her heart I am still filled with worry. Will she refuse to eat (she is lukewarm towards the bottle)? Will she miss me so much and be so sad? Will she feel like I have abandoned her? Will I be able to function when my heart is 36 miles away from me during the day.

Still there is really no other option. I have to work. We have bills and plans. A family of four (including stepson) just can't live in this area on a teacher's salary alone. So we are buying our lottery tickets, right now it is my only hope but I'm not counting on it.

I have to find a job closer to home. The commute sucked before (1 hour each way on a good day) but now that is time I could spend receiving baby smiles, listening to baby talk, snuggling...breathing.

They say it gets easier each day. I'm counting on that.

A real Mom Jeans issue

I’d like to talk about a weighty issue…ba dum dum, my big, fat, ass. This is the one area where mommyhood has kicked my aforementioned ass. I have dropped 20 lbs of my baby weight. Too bad I gained 40.

I can’t blame the situation entirely on pregnancy as I had gained too much weight before I even got pregnant.

A timeline:

January 2007 – not working, not dating anyone, spending 2 hours a day at the gym, as a result I was at my thinnest weight ever.

February 2007- meet my future husband and get a new job- days at the gym go by the wayside, but we are still running a lot so the weight is slow at creeping on.

November 2008- Get married 15 lbs heavier but still exercising and well with in the normal range for my height (5’10”, thank you very much).

April 2009- Ummm, we go on a cruise and thanks to the gluttony and laziness of married life I am 20 lbs heavier than I was on my wedding day. Oh and guess what, you’re pregnant.

Summer 2009- 1^st trimester tiredness kicks my butt and exercise is a thing of the past- this will continue for the entire pregnancy.

January 2010- I enter the hospital at an astronomical weight and come home six days later at the same weight, despite having had a 9 lb baby removed from my body. I guess that’s what 5 days of IV’s do for you. A week later I had dropped 20 lbs and that is where we are today, despite exclusively breastfeeding.

Sooooo, instead of being a MILF, I am a fat, frumpy mom who is today wearing the largest pair of jeans I’ve ever owned. But the snow is clearing and Caroline and I are going for lots of walks. I’m trying to get some other exercise in when I can, though that is rare. AND..I am giving up cheese for a month. Yeah, cheese. I think based on my current diet that will save me about 6 million calories a week.

My husband has a high school reunion this summer. I need to be looking a lot hotter.