Back to the drawing board

I'm doing well physically. I was very lucky to have the miscarriage happen early and to have my body complete the process itself, ie no D&C or drugs. No waiting and wondering.  In fact as soon as my hcg level hits zero (it's almost there) we are OK to start trying again.


Emotionally, I'm doing OK too. I don't dwell on the actual embryo. It's the calendar that gets me. We had planned to take trip to TN in the spring since we wouldn't be able to in the summer- but that's not the case now. I was going to miss a work conference at a swank resort in San Diego because I would be 36 wks pregnant, but now I can go. I don't need to take Dec 27 off work for my prenatal exam. I don't need to get an NT scan scheduled for the first week of January. It's those little things that sting a bit.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was more shocked than happy. I was nervous about the financial logisitics of two babies in daycare. I worried about how Caroline would deal with having to share me. Of course it didn't take long until I was excited about our new addition and now that it's gone I know more than ever that I want one more.

That changes the TTC picture. I was laid back about it. If we had a second one, great! If not, oh well we have our sweet Caroline. Now it's not, "oh well," if we don't. We mentally made ourselves a family of 5 and now we can't go back to being a family of 4.

The first time we TTC, I was crazy and obsessed. You know what I mean. Any woman who has actively tried for a baby for any length of time knows all about it. My particular flavor involved, temping, a fertility monitor with OPK back up. Yeah, I was that crazy. I also kept a full arsenal of HPTs on hand for testing early and often. I studied my charts, thinking that if I could just look long enough I would see a clue that I was pregnant or see what I was doing wrong.

PSA: No amount of chart staring will change whether your pregnancy status. You can change your temps all you want but you are either pregnant or you're not. 

I don't know if I'll get quite as obsessed this time but I just ordered a supply of OPKs and HPTs.

And just like that, it's over

Monday one of my co-workers brought in his 4-month old. She was so sweet to hold, so...compliant. So different than the  squirmy and sometimes brutal 10.5 month old that I'm used to holding. I was thinking how sweet it will be to have a little bitty one again. And it will be. But not this one.

On Tuesday, I started miscarrying. I'm OK. I was only 6 weeks along so physically it really hasn't been any worse than a period. Emotionally, I'm OK too. While I'm disappointed that there won't be a baby in July and I grieve a little for that vision of the future. I'm not one to consider the embryo (if there was even one, could have been a blighted ovum), a baby. So I don't mourn as though it was the death of my child. I understand people who do, and I don't dismiss or diminish their grief at all. But that's not me and there won't be any angel baby badges gracing my message boards.

Nor am I discouraged or worry about the next pregnancy. Had this happened on my first pregnancy I would feel a lot differently but I don't have that fear that I'll never be a mother and that makes trying to conceive number 2 very different that number 1. I don't want to diminish the importance of a second child. I am a second child myself, so they have a special place in my heart, but it just doesn't carry the same angst.

I am sad. I was looking forward to being pregnant again and having a summer baby. But I'm not devastated. We will be trying again as soon as possible and hopefully next time will turn out differently.