1 year as a working mom

March 22, 2010 ranks in the top 5 hardest days of my life. That morning I woke up and for the first time in 13 weeks, I got ready for work. I had to put on my big girl pants and do what I had to do. And they were big girl pants. The week before, in anticipation of returning to work I had to go buy new pants because all the pants I had before pregnancy were too small (OK. Way too small). It was not a fun shopping trip and I just grabbed a size that I thought would fit and got the h3ll out of the store. The ended up being a little too big and I just thanked God that they weren't too small.

That day was awful. From the minute I kissed my 10 wk old daughter goodbye until the moment I had her in my arms again. I felt empty the whole day and I filled that hole with M&Ms. Seriously, I am ashamed to admit how many M&Ms I ate during those days. I was popping them like Vicodin.

1 year later and things are so different. While I still don't enjoy getting up at the crack of dawn and leaving my baby, she actually loves going to daycare and frequently rushes me out the door sooner than I would like. And truth be told, I relish my commute when I get to listen to my books on CD and have a little me time. The only books at home that I read are written by Dr. Seuss.

And the big girl pants? They got retired this weekend, when I discovered I could take them off with out unbuttoning or unzipping them. They were replaced with some smaller big girl pants and I can see a day when I'll be back in my old wardrobe.

Dead Mommy Walking

I have to admit that right now Mommy is kicking Laura's ass. I am less than 3 days away from returning to work and it feels like I am on death row. I can't believe I have to leave my baby for 10 hours everyday. I never thought I would be the type of person to say this but it feels unnatural. How can I be letting someone else care for my baby. That's my job. That's my purpose. I always knew it would be hard but as with most things baby related, it's harder than I could have ever imagined.

The first week she will be kept by my mother, who is coming in from Tennessee for the sole purpose of watching her. So while I know she is with someone who loves with all her heart I am still filled with worry. Will she refuse to eat (she is lukewarm towards the bottle)? Will she miss me so much and be so sad? Will she feel like I have abandoned her? Will I be able to function when my heart is 36 miles away from me during the day.

Still there is really no other option. I have to work. We have bills and plans. A family of four (including stepson) just can't live in this area on a teacher's salary alone. So we are buying our lottery tickets, right now it is my only hope but I'm not counting on it.

I have to find a job closer to home. The commute sucked before (1 hour each way on a good day) but now that is time I could spend receiving baby smiles, listening to baby talk, snuggling...breathing.

They say it gets easier each day. I'm counting on that.