Thursday, August 4, 2011

How can I miss you if you don't go away

I miss my weight loss program. I miss the intense workouts. I miss the disciplined eating. I really miss watching my weight loss graphs slope downward. I really, really miss progress pictures.

I was making progress. It wasn't rapid but it was progress. I was getting to my goal and it has been very hard for me to put that on hold.

I love being pregnant. I am excited for the baby. But I wasn't where I wanted to be physically before I got pregnant again. I wanted to have a thin pregnancy but once again I am a fat, pregnant lady. But I'm 38, we couldn't wait around before this pregnancy. My eggs were aging daily. So this is where I am. I'm trying to maintain the momentum I had in the spring by keeping my weight gain under control, but moderate weight gain is actually much more challenging to me than weight loss. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.

I keep thinking what if. What if I had stuck with Weight Watchers last year? I could have been at a normal BMI by the time I got pregnant. What if I just hadn't gained the weight I lost on WW back? I could have started this pregnancy 12 lbs lighter. 195 instead of 207. Would that have made a huge difference? No, but 12 pounds is 12 pounds. What if I had not gained so much weight in my first pregnancy? What if a unicorn could come and magically make me skinny with just a round belly. What if? What if? What if?

There is no point to this. It's really not worth dwelling on it. But I found myself explaining to some SparkFriends why I hadn't been around and realized that I'm jealous. I'm jealous watching them work on their weight while I'm in a holding pattern.

I'm not down about it. I don't want this to come off that way. I miss the weight loss high but I'll be back in the game next spring.

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